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Funny Ass Hockey Article

Our neglected red headed stepchild of a sister site GoCanuckYourself.com (TheHouseofSmack.com-esque commentary covering Vancouver Canucks News and Info) Put up a stunning piece on what iits like to live in the frozen tundra of Vancouver Canada.

They’re apparently all high on coffee getting chased around by homeless people and miniature schnuasers.

Check it out here: Hey Pavol, Welcome to Vancouver.

Sean Avery Almost Dies

Sometimes, bad hings happen to good people. Other times, good things happen to bad people. And even other times, strange things happen to normal people.

But on very rare occasions, crappy stuff happens to crappy people.

Now I don’t know Sean Avery, and the most harm I wish upon people that are complete schmucks peaks at hoping they get caught with transvestite prostitutes in a seedy hotel room and then the prostitutes turn out to be really nasty and transvestite looking and run around telling everybody on the planet about it.

That being said, guaging the reactions of most people who I tell about Sean Avery getting rushed to the ER with a ruptured spleen I can’t help but conclude that the world is choc full of callous no feeling masochistic bastards with no shred of a human soul, in other words…we’re all surrounded by millions of Sean Avery’s.

 

The Worst Best Sports Franchise in History

For the last three months the Toronto and Canadian sports media have been building and driving the ‘Burke or Bust’ Bandwagon and recklessly swerving it about town like drunken sailors on shore leave. 

The same people that were ratcheting up the expectations of how great it was going to be to have him, are now the same group of giggling teenage girls that are talking about how loyal he to stay, and how he was never really coming here anyway.  

Let’s lay some cards down on the table: My name is Sean and I am a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.
(It helps the pain if I say it out loud.) 
I, like every other Leafs fan, am an addict.  Our addiction does not come at the point of a needle, or the bottom of a glass.  No.  Our addiction is in the constant ingestion of promises and rumor concerning what has now become the worst best franchise in the history of sport… Read more

I’m Not Touching You!

[Written by new HofS contributer Sean Murphy, if you have any questions for Sean, please F**k off.]

Like a little brother on a long family road trip with an outstretched finger, Sean Avery waved his stick in front of Brodeur’s face. His defense. like a petulant little brother was a familiar one; “I’m not touching you”.

When professional sports begin to mirror a family vacation along the I-90 something has got to be done.

This childish display was handled like any fraternal squabble ever has been. Mommy steps between the feuding boys and says she has had enough. That is exactly what happened here. Betman, like the good den mother he is, looked at the two brothers and laid down the law. The problem is that a solution that seems like a good idea along the side of a highway by a Denny’s, hardly ever works out in the long run. Eventually the two brothers will harbor resentment for each other and somewhere between the Denny’s and the Stucky’s, the older brother takes matters into his own hands and lays the smack down.

In this case Avery should consider himself lucky that Brodeur is the older brother instead of Hextall. Ronny wouldn’t have waited for mommy to stick her nose in. He would have fucked Avery so hard with his stick that he would be shitting Sherwood babies for a month.

The league would have handed out acceptable retribution and that would have been that. Which brings me to my real problem. Bertuzzi never would have gone after Moore three weeks later the way that he did if the hit on Naslund had been taken care of that night.

While the Avery situation is not as severe, he will one day have to answer for all the bullshit he has done and all of the bad intentions will explode into one bloody scene that will become a permanent blemish on NHL forever. Betman has to realize that there is nothing he can do to make baseball fans buy into the idea of the NHL. By eliminating the instigator rule, he has effectively become the mother of a bunch of kids that will one day grow up to kill each other.

If a younger brother is sticking his hand in your face, despite what your mother says you smack the shit out of him once and he won’t do it again. If he does it again you smack him again, and then it is his own fault for being a slow learner. I don’t blame Avery for doing what he is doing. Where is the disincentive for him to stop?

No one with any balls is ever going to be scared of Betman. Simon and Pronger boot-fucked someone with their skates and they are still playing, so Avery is going to keep waving his finger in peoples faces until it gets broken.

The question now; who out there is going to do it? Who has the stones? Avery at the end of the day is an intense scary son of a bitch. He is like Joe Pesci in Casino, you come at him with hit from behind, he will come at you with a cross-check to the teeth.

The only way that you can stop him is by taking care of him when he crosses the line. Like a dog that shits on a rug. A quick slap on the nose with a newspaper whenever he lifts his leg. Every dog, no matter how wild, can eventually be broken.

NHL Playoffs: Who Gave This “bleep” a Microphone?

by angry Jer.

The first round is always the best. By the time this “war of attrition” (between my ADD and weeks upon weeks of ‘meaningful’ games) ends I couldn’t give a shit about who’s in the finals. Especially if one of the teams was originally named after an Emilio Estevez “film” and the other has a coach with a severe speech impediment. Christ. The first round is definitely where it’s at. But my sweet jesus. Is it just me or has the quality of broadcasting taken a MASSIVE dive this year? Who are these people? Have they always been this shit? Let’s take a look and give them a grade. (I graduated journalism school with a shimmering B average. I have the right!)

Ron MacLean (CBC) – A champion of the people. The smartest, most prepared, coolest, calmest, best sports host out there. It’s nice when you know you could actually have a meaningful conversation with a “sports” guy. You should’ve seen him stick it to Jacques Rogge concerning China’s record on human rights! Atta boy Ronnie. Oh and the “quirk remarks” at the end of each Coach’s Corner segment are top shelf.

Grade: A+

Don Cherry (CBC) – The guy is getting old. I always wonder if he’s shriveling underneath those massively shoulder-padded jackets? He still looks fucking HUGE. The jackets are actually amazing no matter what anyone says. His antics…I don’t know – getting a bit tired of that shit. And the stuff with the troops. Christ. Gag me. I like that he cares and I do understand that supporting the troops isn’t supporting the war…but fuck me. Get those kids out of there. There’s no two ways about it. Seriously what the FUCK are Canadian kids doing dying in Afghanistan?! Anyway, Cherry’s alright. Apparently one of the ten greatest Canadians too (huh?).

Grade: C+

Kelly Hrudey (CBC) - Kelly started his broadcasting career a bit rough, but once he loosened up he was money and has continued to improve every game. He’s smooth, makes relevant points and truly loves and cares about the game. Also, he can throw down drinks like nobody’s business, which is always the sign of a gentleman. Man crush…?

Grade: A

PJ Stock (CBC) - Christ. Bad hire. What an idiot. The only thing that could make PJ Stock’s segment worse would be bringing in Gino Odjick and Esa Tikkanen to simultaneously translate into their mother tongues. (Sailish and… Mingtard?)

Grade: D

Cassie Campbell (CBC) – Hold it in Jer, hold it in. BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!! She’s fucking terrible! Terrible! Cassie’s defenders will immediately say “you don’t like her cause she’s a woman.” Nope. I don’t like her because she’s terrible. She actually started a stand-up with “I just got back from China so I’m really tired…”. I almost collapsed in disgust. She then proceeded to butcher every read, stand-up and interview while on the air. The same rule applies to her as anyone. Just because you “played the game” doesn’t mean you’re fit for the broadcast booth. Shudder.

Grade: D-

Scott Oake (CBC) – Having met Mr. Oake a number of times in the past I can tell you with much certainty that he’s an asshole. Bona fide, true-blue asshole. However, I can’t let that bias my evaluation of his skills. He’s not too bad and he and the aforementioned Mr. Hrudey have a pretty good rapport on air. Also, they got really hammered at Hockey Day in Canada in Newfoundland, which was admirable. (What else do you do in Newfoundland?) I hate to point out the obvious, but the comb-over in high definition is terrifying.

Grade: C (a B with a full point penalty for being an asshole)

Bob Cole (CBC) – So many people I know slag the guy for being too old and for calling “Markus Naslund”, “Mats Naslund” and for not knowing any teams except the Leaves (or “Leafs” as some call them), but this guy is AWESOME. The voice is unparalleled. I will watch a shit game for five minutes just to hear the voice. It’s nostalgic and warming. Bob Cole is the new Foster Hewitt. Love it.

Grade: A

Pierre Maguire (TSN) – Christ. First non-CBCer. I guess you know which station I’ve been watching. Pierre is a spaz, but I can’t just slander him straight on. He annoys the shit out of me, but still makes some great points during the game. He also gives an outstanding sports talk radio interview. He bugs me a lot more on TSN than he does on NBC. I think it’s because NBC’s broadcast is fucking embarrassing and he brings the only semblance of hockey sanity. The guy knows his shit, but he’s tough to stomach.

Grade: C+

Glenn Healey (TSN) - So. Fucking. Obnoxious. Fuck you.

Grade: F

Darren Pang (TSN) – Stop hiring back-up goalies.

Grade: D

Greg Millen (CBC) – See above. I’ve never wanted to punch a broadcaster more than I did him during Canada’s loss to Switzerland at the 2006 Olympics. I was also disaster-smashed at 5:45 on a Saturday morning, but now we’re just splitting hairs.

Grade: D-

NBC – Bad. Very bad indeed. Even Brett Hull in between periods was garbage.

Grade: E (why are there Ds and Fs but no Es?)

VERSUS – An absolute disgrace to the sport of hockey. You did this Gary Bettman. You fucking did this. You little cock sucker…anything further would be considered “uttering threats”.

VERSUS is unwatchable. You’d think they’d hire some people who actually know what hockey is. I would rather listen to an entire day of FM radio morning shows than listen to 30 seconds of a VERSUS broadcast.

Grade: Fuck off

Who’s the Boss?

(Brought to you by new HofS contributor Jer cuz his shit’s tight….and he’s in a band, this is his first article so please, release the hounds.) I apologize to the losers who were clamoring for a Tony Danza article. After seeing THE BOSS (Bruce fucking Springsteen) in concert last night my man crush list has vaulted to a very precarious (for my heterosexuality) list of two. Though no mere “athlete” could ever approach the levels of charisma exuded by the man himself, here are some of the most “Boss” pro athletes out there. Read more

Sweet Goalie Fights

To commemorate Patrick Roy’s balls out goaltending and temper, (as well as his son laying a shellacking on an opposing goaltender this weekend) lets take a look at a couple of sweet goalie dust-ups. Lots of videos below the fold. Read more

Hockey - A State of the Union

Why don’t Yankees like hockey??

Turn on any Canadian sports network and you’re sure to find a multitude of poorly-dressed Canadian white guys debating this question (especially since the actually kick-ass Heritage Classic) with pinache…well as much pinache as a guy who spends $200 on a suit can pull off.

They banter back and forth wondering “Can Antoine Verloiuseau (yes I made that name up, but you didnt’ know that did you?) make a difference on the Nashville blue line?”, never stopping to realize that their very wondering is causing their downfall. Americans love the glory and glamour of sports, while Canadians care only about the effort. Yanks love the Hollywood aspect of sports - and there ain’t nothing glamourous about Tip Top.

In order to find the fat-pocketed “Fat American” - generally not that hard to find as they can be spotted at the dock waiting with 13 suitcases for a 2 day cruise, or at the bar in local watering hole, or even at the buffet table in Branson, Missouri, shoving down fried shrimp as if they were whales trying to fill their baleen with krill (ok, i haven’t referenced krill and baleen since grade 3 so pardon my spelling). The appealing part of the Fat American..or “American” for the abbreviators out there, is the only thing deeper than their waistbands - their wallets. With widespread American acceptance of any service/good comes more money than you could shake a baby at.

Which raises the question; if Americans will spend thousands of hours and dollars supporting the Singing Bee with Joey Fatone (a disgrace to the Joey name) why can’t they support the greatest game on ice?

Here’s why: HOCKEY LACKS SEX APPEAL

That’s it. That’s the beginning and ending of it. Hockey players are good kids, hard working, smart (enough), almost universally white and middle class. Read more

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