Colts Fans Love Teaching Values
January 16, 2008
I mean its the Colts right? Along with their fans they have blazed a path to enlightenment through the tarnished, HGH and law suit clad back alley that has become football players and fandom.
Tony Dungy is a great god-fearing man and teaches that faith, humility and not being gay are the cornerstones to a proper way of life.
Peyton shows us that losing that big game can not only become your legacy, but that you can be adored regardless of what the numbers say, even for masking your blatant repressed feelings of overbearing famous-father inadequacy issues by pimping yourself out for commercial success like you were Richard Simmons at a Turkish prison.
Colts fans - That unadulterated obedience, whether it be whilst thine team is on offence (shhhhhh, even you at home…shhhhhhhhh) or that skin pigmantation should be ignored…oh wait…yes we know your coach is black-ish…ya…no…you said that already… …yes but thats not a free pass…there are lots of black coa…whatever…
But alas, the great mid west wasteland has brought forth the seedy underbelly of the state of Indiana football fans:
Well, chalk up another teenage pregnancy high school drop out meth addict, but look at it the Indianapolis Colts way…in 5 years at least they all got someone else to save…
Reggie Nelson is a Retard
January 14, 2008
First off you’re asking yourself, who the shit is Reggie Nelson?
He’s a ROOKIE Safety for the Jaguars.
Allright, granted I’m a Patriots fan, And saying stuff about my team will piss me off, sure. But being a complete and utter shitstain:
“He ain’t all that … He’s all right,” Nelson said.
“It was a check down game,” Nelson said, suggesting that most of Brady’s completions were short and underneath the pass coverage. “Anybody can go 26-of-28 in a dump-down game.”
BTW, he said that about the same Tom Brady that just torched Nelson’s Jags with an all time completion percentage record of 92%.
Rating the College Mascots - Part 1
January 13, 2008
Continuing upon our award winning countdown of the sports world’s weirdest, whackiest (and wheatiest) mascots, the House of Smack presents the January Jamboree NCAA Mascot Playoff Bracket - 64 entered, only 1 was left (along with lots of fur and a tangible amount of pep).
The B - F Bracket
1. Bill the Goat (Navy) v. 16. Big/Baby Jay (Kansas) - Bill the Goat unleashes his cadre of Navy followers (seriously look at that picture and try not to wet yourself Iraqis. That’s the Navy’s freaking MASCOT), while Baby Jay costs Big Jay the match (and apparently KU 13$ in materials).
Winner: Bill the Goat
2. Demon Deacon (Wake Forest) v. 15. Boilermaker (Purdue) - While the Deacon preaches about abstinence and impure thoughts the Boilermaker is a freaking train. Nothing brings the crowd to a frenzy like a locomotive golly gee. What is this the 1800s?
Winner: Demon Deacon
3. Donald Duck (Oregon) v. 14. Explorer (LaSalle) - The Explorer starts off the match by talking some smack about ducks liking water more than land before Donald bitch slaps him and says “Do you realize who the fuck I am? I’m fucking Donald Duck! Do you realize how fucking rich I am? I can buy and sell your cotton-blend ass bitch!”
Winner: DD
4. Bevo (Texas) v. 13. Captain Chris (Christopher Newport U.) - That’s gotta suck. You spend your entire life/fortune creating a university bearing your name and then some dickhead completely undoes it all by making the mascot look like Dave Navarro in a Disney movie. Winner: Bevo by default
5. Benny Beaver (Oregon State U) v. 12. Chief Osceola (Florida State) - The racist chief eats beaver (ha ha ha…he said “eats beaver”) when fans unexpectedly turn their backs on him to make way for the REAL Florida State mascot. Once again for no good reason. Hot damn. Winner: Benny Beaver (and my pants)
6. Colonel Reb (Ole Miss) v. 11. Cam the Ram (Colorado State) - Despite having dreamy biceps, Cam the Ram shows his mettle by exposing Colonel Reb as actually being based on a black man (no really). You gotta love the South huh? Nowhere else can you take a black man and make it a symbol of white slave owners. God bless you and your stupid stupid traditions. Winner: Cam the Ram (and tolerence! Say no to racism!)
7. Artie the Fighting Artichoke (Scottsdale Community C0llege) v. 10. Ace Purple (Evansville) - Ace screams “Now here see. I won’t lose to no artichoke by jimminys. Bully I say!” before pouring olive oil and sprinkling pepper on Artie and baking him at 350F for 6-8 minutes. Winner: Ace Purple
8. Blue Devil (Duke) v. 9. Cosmo the Cougar(Western Michigan) - Despite being chubby (I hear hell has delicious crepes), the Blue Devil and his minions of annoying, pretentious Duke fans are easily able to dispatch of Cosmo when Coach K latches on to his legs and drags him down (just like the Duke basketball program -oh snap). For some reason every time I hear “cosmo” and “cougar” I think of your mom at a bar. Winner: Blue Devil
Hot Pants Anyone?
January 9, 2008
Seattle Seahawks kicker Josh Brown stated yesterday that he’s going to don a pair of battery powered self heating pants to keep himself warm during the game against the Packers on Sunday.
He said that kickers don’t have as much of an opportunity to stay warmed up and loose on the sidelines, further contributing to the notion that kickers aren’t actually athletes, and have more in common with soccer players and Daisy Duke than real football players.
In other news, running back Shaun Alexander will be wearing his standard a goose down jock strap, and coach Mike Holmgren will continue his battle tested method of staying warm on the sidelines by keeping his head inside of his ass.
Brett Favre on the other hand will be wearing no additional clothing, and continue his standard game week routine of ice fishing with his bare hands, wearing lots of denim and maybe even staring down a queer or two.
Week 12 Immenent Ass-Hammering
November 22, 2007
This weeks honor is bestowed upon the fabolous members of the Philadelphia Eagles in safety Brian Dawkins, cornerback Sheldon Brown, QB Donovan McNabb and backup backup for the backup RB Reno Mahe.
During Eric Man-jackass’s camera-gayte scandal of week 1 (dang, this shit writes itself, blacka, blacka , blacka) Eagles veterans Dawkins and Brown talked about the unusual ability the Patriots acquired in the second half of the super bowl, seemingly reading their blitz packages and running screen pass after screen pass to avoid them:
“I was like, ‘Man, I never saw that many screens,’ ” Brown said. (Wow, Best Buy is biig! Anyways, why ain’t the quarterback diving into the arms of our blitzers? Its just so crazy, this has been buggin me for 2 years, and thats why I suck i think.)
And no, neither of them mentioned the fact that they are all choda gargling ass goblins or the fact that they blitzed THE ENTIRE FIRST HALF and then continued to do the EXACT SAME THING from the start of the second half. I believe the actual definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expect to eventually get a different result. Oh yeah, and their coach is Andy Reid.
Why didn’t they accuse the Pats of spiking McNabbs Gatorade with ipecac:
More after the jump… Read more
Wade Phillips is Coach Red Beaulieu
November 21, 2007
Ok this is bloody well killing me, I keep telling everybody this, and making Waterboy quotes whenever Wade Philips is mentioned, and I still get no love….so I’m here to prove once and for all that the resemblance is uncanny, and it ads a whole new dynamic to how I imagine practices and meetings go for the Dallas Cowboys.
This is Wade Philips:
This is proof:
And if this is true (and it most certainly is) whose playbook has he stolen? Maybe little Laney Kiffin? Cam Cameron? I bet its Andy Reid.
Grading the Graders - How is Gregg Easterbrook allowed to speak?
November 20, 2007
So let’s get this straight, in order to be a paid sports opinion journalist on espn.com’s Page 2, you need to not watch sports, be an idiot and look like the illigitimate love child of Eugene Levy and Count Chocula?
This guy knows about as much about football as my left nut knows about the back of my own head. And its not even that I’m a Pats fan, this guy just said that Joey Harrington would be a “star” behind the New England O-line. Which is essentially just saying that Brady sucks, and love him or hate him, if you publish that and are serious you are officially the intellectual equivalent of a drunk eight year old carnie.
I want to fight him.