LinkPoop - Cartman > Bellicheck

Our boy Damon here may try to pull a Chinese-style censorship bid here, but check out this article, courtesy of the well-dressed and dapper folks at www.youbeenblinded.com

Saying that I watch alot of South park would be like saying that Paris Hilton attends a few gatherings. [Ed note: Paris - would ya?]

An Open Letter to Chris Henry

Hi Chris,

Well, I see that the Bengals have cut you loose after another run in with the law. Pffft, buncha prudes.

I want you to know that even though you’re now without a team, I have a special place for you on my couch in my heart. After all, it’s not like you really did anything wrong. Let’s look at what you did [courtesy of the Withleather.com boys - see that Jack McCallum? It's called a "reference". Jackass]

“December ‘05: Speeding, marijuana possession, no valid driver’s license or auto insurance ”
- Well obviously you were speeding, you didn’t have a license and your insurance was expired. Duh.

“January ‘06: Multiple gun charges in Orlando, including assault with a firearm, while wearing his #15 jersey. Plead guilty.”
- You know how they say “no publicity is bad publicity”? I’m sure you were just thinking of that right? And you plead guilty right? That’s basically saying “my bad” - why are these assholes all over you? What are they - the fun police?

Oh…they’re the real police. My mistake.

“May ‘06: Investigated in sex crime. No charges were ever filed.”
- I think the language was just off here. Change it to “investigated in-sex crime” and it sounds like you’re just a crime voyeur right? (Man! PR’ing is hard!)

“June ‘06: Arrested for DUI. Charges dismissed when defense proved breathalyzer was faulty. ”
- Luckily you were too hammered to remember this whole episode. Whew!

“September ‘06: Teammate Odell Thurman gets a DUI. Henry, a passenger, vomits out the window.”
- Vomiting is not a crime. If it was, every frat boy in the US would be arrested (but “who will videotape the public gangbangs?” you ask. Shhh Chris…we’ll get to that later.) Also, Odell Thurman drives like a 60 year old Asian woman, so 100% understandable. NEXT QUESTION.

“October ‘06: NFL levies two-game suspension”
- two game suspension = two week vacation! It’s all in how you spin it people.

“January ‘07: Pleads guilty to giving minors alcohol the previous spring.”
- If confronted with this again, just tell the cops: “You remember what it was like when YOU were 17 and really wanted to drink to have fun with your friends…and give a BJ to a famous football player?”

“April ‘07: Suspended for first eight games of ‘07 season.”
- gave you time to do some yardwork and install those new solid oak cupboards! Hooray!

“June ‘07: Henry and teammate Reggie McNeal allegedly assault a 16-year-old boy. The charges were deemed unfounded and dismissed.”
- Who says he’s not a team player? “and teammate Reggie McNeal” - cmon coach! We’s bonding! This “kid” was 6′4″ and probably around 230 lbs. He was also lippy. Who’s going to parent the parents society asks? Chris Henry answered.

“November ‘07: Accused of assaulting a valet at Newport on the Levee. No charges were filed, but Henry is banned from returning.”
- Valets are worthless pieces of trash. They get to ride your nice car, get paid and then demand a tip. To put it in perspective, I am neither rich, nor a famous football player - but in the last week I have killed 14 valets. Perspective people!
Also - you’re “banned from returning”? Oh MY GOD! NOT THE LEVEE! They didn’t let 16 year olds drink anyways, so screw em.

“April ‘08: Assault charges”
- In your defense that 16 year old valet at the Levee had it coming. “Autograph” this punk!

I guess if I have any parting words, it’d be this: Please don’t leave my life Chris. Please. I need you to come back, make plays and get up to your usual shenanigans. Don’t do it for me though Chris. Do it for my fantasy team the kids.

(I was talking about going to buy alcohol - sorry I didn’t introduce that last sentence properly.)

Sincerely,

MikeD, TheHouseofSmack

Madden NFL Coaches 2009

With Tony Dungy gracing the cover of EA Sports’ NFL Head Coach 09 we are left with a few thoughts:

A. Seriously, how awesome is coach Dungy?

B. Are there any other coaches that could’ve worked?

So without further ado, let’s take a look at what features the game would’ve had if they had chosen someone else besides the marvelous Man-God Tony Dungy.

AFC EAST

1. NFL Bellicheck 09

Similar to Head Coach 09, but success doesn’t make you happy. For each 10 game streak you put together, something bad happens: wife leaves you, have an affair with a married woman, league dislikes you, etc.
Comes with a free webcam though! Read more

Randy Moss is a Gentleman

News today that Randy Moss has been indicted for hurting a woman and not allowing her to seek medical help (hey MSNBC - how about some fucking details? Is this Page Six of the gossip rags? Sure you don’t want to credit “an insider close to the film’s production” while you’re at it?). Read more

Hitler Loves the Cowboys

Rating the College Mascots - Part 2

The G - O Bracket

1. Knightro (UCF) vs. 16. Gompei (WPI) - Officially the most kick-ass of any college mascot (and no I didn’t go to UCF - what am I retarded?), Knightro waits and waits for Gompei to show, but God has already stricken down the entire Worcester Polytechnic Institute for worshipping a false idol (doesn’t anyone read the Bible anymore? Can we get J.J. Abrams to do a remake?). Then again, God did save WPI students from living in Worcester, so it was kind of a good deal for them.

Winner: Knightro by default

2. Hairy Dawg (Georgia) vs. 15. The Hawk (St. Joseph’s) - So you think you’ve landed a pretty “cool” (for a dork) job as a team mascot. Good for you. As Hairy Dawg, you can run around, nod whenever a good play happens and cheer up all the Georgia peaches. The Hawk goes around St. Joe’s games, but get this, he NEVER STOPS flapping his wings. Never. It’s supposed to be a symbol of…um..something, but doesn’t that just make you tired even thinking about it? Nice runners too loser.

Winner: Hairy Dawg

3. Hey Reb (UNLV - seen here with my stalking victim girlfriend Jenn Sterger [creepy, yet masterbatory worthy photo compilation here]) vs. 14. The Leprechaun (Notre Dame) - Hey look, Notre Dame has a ranking in something! Reb - mustache, old school, harkens back to racist days. Leprechaun - annoying ginger kid in tights. No contest.

 More after the jump… Read more

Whacked out Pats fans

With this new video and that autistically whacked-out asian chick, to say I’m proud to be a Pats fan right now might cause me to get a migrane, have my nose start bleeding and sneeze so hard that I shit my pants, puke and pass out all at the same time.

These are both courtesy of the watchful eye of withleather.com…so…thanks…?

Colts Fans Love Teaching Values

I mean its the Colts right? Along with their fans they have blazed a path to enlightenment through the tarnished, HGH and law suit clad back alley that has become football players and fandom.

Tony Dungy is a great god-fearing man and teaches that faith, humility and not being gay are the cornerstones to a proper way of life.

Peyton shows us that losing that big game can not only become your legacy, but that you can be adored regardless of what the numbers say, even for masking your blatant repressed feelings of overbearing famous-father inadequacy issues by pimping yourself out for commercial success like you were Richard Simmons at a Turkish prison.

Colts fans - That unadulterated obedience, whether it be whilst thine team is on offence (shhhhhh, even you at home…shhhhhhhhh) or that skin pigmantation should be ignored…oh wait…yes we know your coach is black-ish…ya…no…you said that already… …yes but thats not a free pass…there are lots of black coa…whatever…

But alas, the great mid west wasteland has brought forth the seedy underbelly of the state of Indiana football fans:

Well, chalk up another teenage pregnancy high school drop out meth addict, but look at it the Indianapolis Colts way…in 5 years at least they all got someone else to save…

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