Rating the College Mascots - Part 2
January 27, 2008
The G - O Bracket
1. Knightro (UCF) vs. 16. Gompei (WPI) - Officially the most kick-ass of any college mascot (and no I didn’t go to UCF - what am I retarded?), Knightro waits and waits for Gompei to show, but God has already stricken down the entire Worcester Polytechnic Institute for worshipping a false idol (doesn’t anyone read the Bible anymore? Can we get J.J. Abrams to do a remake?). Then again, God did save WPI students from living in Worcester, so it was kind of a good deal for them.
Winner: Knightro by default
2. Hairy Dawg (Georgia) vs. 15. The Hawk (St. Joseph’s) - So you think you’ve landed a pretty “cool” (for a dork) job as a team mascot. Good for you. As Hairy Dawg, you can run around, nod whenever a good play happens and cheer up all the Georgia peaches. The Hawk goes around St. Joe’s games, but get this, he NEVER STOPS flapping his wings. Never. It’s supposed to be a symbol of…um..something, but doesn’t that just make you tired even thinking about it? Nice runners too loser.
Winner: Hairy Dawg
3. Hey Reb (UNLV - seen here with my stalking victim girlfriend Jenn Sterger [creepy, yet masterbatory worthy photo compilation here]) vs. 14. The Leprechaun (Notre Dame) - Hey look, Notre Dame has a ranking in something! Reb - mustache, old school, harkens back to racist days. Leprechaun - annoying ginger kid in tights. No contest.
More after the jump… Read more
Rating the College Mascots - Part 1
January 13, 2008
Continuing upon our award winning countdown of the sports world’s weirdest, whackiest (and wheatiest) mascots, the House of Smack presents the January Jamboree NCAA Mascot Playoff Bracket - 64 entered, only 1 was left (along with lots of fur and a tangible amount of pep).
The B - F Bracket
1. Bill the Goat (Navy) v. 16. Big/Baby Jay (Kansas) - Bill the Goat unleashes his cadre of Navy followers (seriously look at that picture and try not to wet yourself Iraqis. That’s the Navy’s freaking MASCOT), while Baby Jay costs Big Jay the match (and apparently KU 13$ in materials).
Winner: Bill the Goat
2. Demon Deacon (Wake Forest) v. 15. Boilermaker (Purdue) - While the Deacon preaches about abstinence and impure thoughts the Boilermaker is a freaking train. Nothing brings the crowd to a frenzy like a locomotive golly gee. What is this the 1800s?
Winner: Demon Deacon
3. Donald Duck (Oregon) v. 14. Explorer (LaSalle) - The Explorer starts off the match by talking some smack about ducks liking water more than land before Donald bitch slaps him and says “Do you realize who the fuck I am? I’m fucking Donald Duck! Do you realize how fucking rich I am? I can buy and sell your cotton-blend ass bitch!”
Winner: DD
4. Bevo (Texas) v. 13. Captain Chris (Christopher Newport U.) - That’s gotta suck. You spend your entire life/fortune creating a university bearing your name and then some dickhead completely undoes it all by making the mascot look like Dave Navarro in a Disney movie. Winner: Bevo by default
5. Benny Beaver (Oregon State U) v. 12. Chief Osceola (Florida State) - The racist chief eats beaver (ha ha ha…he said “eats beaver”) when fans unexpectedly turn their backs on him to make way for the REAL Florida State mascot. Once again for no good reason. Hot damn. Winner: Benny Beaver (and my pants)
6. Colonel Reb (Ole Miss) v. 11. Cam the Ram (Colorado State) - Despite having dreamy biceps, Cam the Ram shows his mettle by exposing Colonel Reb as actually being based on a black man (no really). You gotta love the South huh? Nowhere else can you take a black man and make it a symbol of white slave owners. God bless you and your stupid stupid traditions. Winner: Cam the Ram (and tolerence! Say no to racism!)
7. Artie the Fighting Artichoke (Scottsdale Community C0llege) v. 10. Ace Purple (Evansville) - Ace screams “Now here see. I won’t lose to no artichoke by jimminys. Bully I say!” before pouring olive oil and sprinkling pepper on Artie and baking him at 350F for 6-8 minutes. Winner: Ace Purple
8. Blue Devil (Duke) v. 9. Cosmo the Cougar(Western Michigan) - Despite being chubby (I hear hell has delicious crepes), the Blue Devil and his minions of annoying, pretentious Duke fans are easily able to dispatch of Cosmo when Coach K latches on to his legs and drags him down (just like the Duke basketball program -oh snap). For some reason every time I hear “cosmo” and “cougar” I think of your mom at a bar. Winner: Blue Devil
Hey Bitch? Shut up.
January 8, 2008
If a bitch falls in the forest does she make a sound? Yes. She does. A lot of sound.