NHL Playoffs: Who Gave This “bleep” a Microphone?
April 23, 2008
by angry Jer.
The first round is always the best. By the time this “war of attrition” (between my ADD and weeks upon weeks of ‘meaningful’ games) ends I couldn’t give a shit about who’s in the finals. Especially if one of the teams was originally named after an Emilio Estevez “film” and the other has a coach with a severe speech impediment. Christ. The first round is definitely where it’s at. But my sweet jesus. Is it just me or has the quality of broadcasting taken a MASSIVE dive this year? Who are these people? Have they always been this shit? Let’s take a look and give them a grade. (I graduated journalism school with a shimmering B average. I have the right!)
Ron MacLean (CBC) – A champion of the people. The smartest, most prepared, coolest, calmest, best sports host out there. It’s nice when you know you could actually have a meaningful conversation with a “sports” guy. You should’ve seen him stick it to Jacques Rogge concerning China’s record on human rights! Atta boy Ronnie. Oh and the “quirk remarks” at the end of each Coach’s Corner segment are top shelf.
Grade: A+
Don Cherry (CBC) – The guy is getting old. I always wonder if he’s shriveling underneath those massively shoulder-padded jackets? He still looks fucking HUGE. The jackets are actually amazing no matter what anyone says. His antics…I don’t know – getting a bit tired of that shit. And the stuff with the troops. Christ. Gag me. I like that he cares and I do understand that supporting the troops isn’t supporting the war…but fuck me. Get those kids out of there. There’s no two ways about it. Seriously what the FUCK are Canadian kids doing dying in Afghanistan?! Anyway, Cherry’s alright. Apparently one of the ten greatest Canadians too (huh?).
Grade: C+
Kelly Hrudey (CBC) - Kelly started his broadcasting career a bit rough, but once he loosened up he was money and has continued to improve every game. He’s smooth, makes relevant points and truly loves and cares about the game. Also, he can throw down drinks like nobody’s business, which is always the sign of a gentleman. Man crush…?
Grade: A
PJ Stock (CBC) - Christ. Bad hire. What an idiot. The only thing that could make PJ Stock’s segment worse would be bringing in Gino Odjick and Esa Tikkanen to simultaneously translate into their mother tongues. (Sailish and… Mingtard?)
Grade: D
Cassie Campbell (CBC) – Hold it in Jer, hold it in. BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!! She’s fucking terrible! Terrible! Cassie’s defenders will immediately say “you don’t like her cause she’s a woman.” Nope. I don’t like her because she’s terrible. She actually started a stand-up with “I just got back from China so I’m really tired…”. I almost collapsed in disgust. She then proceeded to butcher every read, stand-up and interview while on the air. The same rule applies to her as anyone. Just because you “played the game” doesn’t mean you’re fit for the broadcast booth. Shudder.
Grade: D-
Scott Oake (CBC) – Having met Mr. Oake a number of times in the past I can tell you with much certainty that he’s an asshole. Bona fide, true-blue asshole. However, I can’t let that bias my evaluation of his skills. He’s not too bad and he and the aforementioned Mr. Hrudey have a pretty good rapport on air. Also, they got really hammered at Hockey Day in Canada in Newfoundland, which was admirable. (What else do you do in Newfoundland?) I hate to point out the obvious, but the comb-over in high definition is terrifying.
Grade: C (a B with a full point penalty for being an asshole)
Bob Cole (CBC) – So many people I know slag the guy for being too old and for calling “Markus Naslund”, “Mats Naslund” and for not knowing any teams except the Leaves (or “Leafs” as some call them), but this guy is AWESOME. The voice is unparalleled. I will watch a shit game for five minutes just to hear the voice. It’s nostalgic and warming. Bob Cole is the new Foster Hewitt. Love it.
Grade: A
Pierre Maguire (TSN) – Christ. First non-CBCer. I guess you know which station I’ve been watching. Pierre is a spaz, but I can’t just slander him straight on. He annoys the shit out of me, but still makes some great points during the game. He also gives an outstanding sports talk radio interview. He bugs me a lot more on TSN than he does on NBC. I think it’s because NBC’s broadcast is fucking embarrassing and he brings the only semblance of hockey sanity. The guy knows his shit, but he’s tough to stomach.
Grade: C+
Glenn Healey (TSN) - So. Fucking. Obnoxious. Fuck you.
Grade: F
Darren Pang (TSN) – Stop hiring back-up goalies.
Grade: D
Greg Millen (CBC) – See above. I’ve never wanted to punch a broadcaster more than I did him during Canada’s loss to Switzerland at the 2006 Olympics. I was also disaster-smashed at 5:45 on a Saturday morning, but now we’re just splitting hairs.
Grade: D-
NBC – Bad. Very bad indeed. Even Brett Hull in between periods was garbage.
Grade: E (why are there Ds and Fs but no Es?)
VERSUS – An absolute disgrace to the sport of hockey. You did this Gary Bettman. You fucking did this. You little cock sucker…anything further would be considered “uttering threats”.
VERSUS is unwatchable. You’d think they’d hire some people who actually know what hockey is. I would rather listen to an entire day of FM radio morning shows than listen to 30 seconds of a VERSUS broadcast.
Grade: Fuck off
An Illogical and Unresearched Breakdown of Every NBA Playoff Series: Boston - Atlanta
April 22, 2008
The excitement! The drama! Manu Ginoblli’s bald spot – it’s the NBA playoffs folks!
Well, I was going to write a running diary of each Game 1 in the NBA playoffs, but then I decided “Hey Mike, wouldn’t you much rather DO something during your weekend? Ya know, go out there and live?”, so I’m sad to report that I only watched 7 of the 8 games, but was too hung-over to even heat up my Chef Boyardee, let alone make a running diary (and ladies, I know what you’re thinking – YES it was beefaroni). Read more
Isiah Thomas Gets Fired - Kool and Gang Finally Makes Sense To Me
April 18, 2008
= CANNED
Thank you lord. Thank you. Garth Brooks sang that the best gift God could give are unanswered prayers (I think), but with the news that Isiah Thomas - and his annoyingly spelled first name - has been fired I would beg to disagree with that fat ass country singer. Read more
The Duel: LeBron vs. DeShaun
April 16, 2008
It should come as no surprise to any readers that we love childish, stupid feuds and general douchebaggery. When those feuds occur between two sports stars? The HouseofSmack wades in and mediates stirs the shit up:
This Week’s Duel:
LeBron James vs. DeShaun Stevenson
Background:
LeBron James is the new basketball Jesus, anointed by the media, loved across the league, kids have their jerseys, he’s breaking records, yadda yadda. Basically, if you don’t know who King James is you’re either Jack McCallum or an emo. In that case - why are you reading this? I think Interpol is having a signing at Virgin - quick, get your dad to drive you!
DeShaun Stevenson plays for the Wizards. The Cavs have owned the Wizards for the past few years - bouncing them from the playoffs - and DeShaun for one has beef with LeBron. But who’s really King, baby?
Names:
LeBron vs. DeShaun / The Bron vs. Of Shaun
Both names are rediculous - but at least “The Bron” kinda sounds tough.
Edge: LeBron
Nicknames:
LeBron - “LBJ, King James” / DeShaun - “that guy who plays for the Wizards”
Edge: LeBron
Past Awesomeness:
LeBron - destroyed opponents in high school, bombed hosting the ESPYs but recovered nicely when hosted SNL.
DeShaun - Ok, ready? Got into a fistfight the night he was drafted. Accused of raping a 14 year old girl when he was 20. A man was shot in the leg outside his home. He dumped one R&B singer I’d never heard of for another R&B singer I’ve never heard of. Put up a photo of his grill and blackcard - with the numbers showing. Recently proclaimed that he’d hook anybody up with $10k if they could get him Lindsay Lohan’s phone #. No, I’m not making that up, his exact words on his MySpace Page [Ed: people still use MySpace for anything besides finding underage sexual prey?]
I Got A Couple Ppl On The Lindsay LoHan Deal………………. But Im Giving Somebody 10 Stacks If They Hook That Sh*t Up…………….. 4 U Slow Ppl 10 Thousand Dollars 2 The First Muthaf*cker Get Me The Contact 4 Her!!!!!!! Before My Ppl Get The Number They Moving 2 Slow 4 Me So Holla At Yo Boy If U Need That 10,000 Grand!!!!!!!!! U Kno I Need That White Girl Lindsay Lohan…………. First N*gga Or Female Get Me That Sh*t I Wire That Money Str8 2 Ur Account Hit Me On Email If U Got The Real Sh*t!!!!!!! TwoFamily@mac.com………………… Yadddddaaaaa Boy
So you heard it here. The first n*gga to get him that sh*t will be very pleased indeed.
Edge: DeShaun by a country mile
BBQ Skills: [Ed: cause it's heating up "the beef" - get it? Yes, it's a slow day around here today]
Apparently LeBron said something to Drew Gooden - a homey of DeShaun’s from Oakland - about DeShaun’s game (and something personal too) that DeShaun took offense to and proclaimed to make LeBron his bitch. He called this season’s scoring leader “overrated” - to which James replied:
“With DeShawn Stevenson it is kind of funny. It’s almost like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy. There’s no comparison. Enough said.”DeShaun’s response:
“I hope we play Cleveland,” Stevenson said. “I’m going to get Soulja Boy courtside seats and have him wear a DeShawn Stevenson jersey. Maybe (James) can have Jay-Z there since LeBron’s all on his (shorts) anyway.”
Stevenson wasn’t done. “And tell LeBron to cut that beard off and stop copying me.”
Edge: DeShaun - straight up killin the youngster
Facial Hair:
Deshaun. LeBron. Abraham Lincoln. Scott Ian from Anthrax. ZZ Top.
Edge: Wait - what were we talking about again?
Final Score: 2-2
LeBron has more talent and a cooler name, but DeShaun is just plum ghetto crazy - but in a good “oh man DeShaun brought over 5 17 year olds and none of them speak English!” way.
To settle the topic - I asked my one black female friend who she’d rather do. Her response:
“What?”
“Why do you wanna know that?”
“That’s really fucking stupid Mike”
“DeShaun looks like a thug - and I like thugs - so I guess him. LeBron is too corny, but I bet he has a bigger dick.”
So there you go folks…um…it’s a tie?
Now, as YOU’RE the real winner, enjoy some ZZ Top:
The 10 Crappiest Sports Cities
April 14, 2008
Forbes.com released an article today detailing the top 10 worst sports cities in America.
Now I’m sure we’ve all made a list like this before, but unfortunately my objectivity gets skewed as soon as I read a single comment by anybody from Philly, see another Manning commercial or have to listen to a douchy Jets fan bitch about spygate.
I’ll be the first to admit that while I’m right, my selection criteria might be a tad obtuse.
Forbes has managed to base their selections on fanciful things like “statistics” and “percentages”. pfft.
Check it out HERE. You’ll be happy to know that Philadelphia still made the list, as well as few more surprising bottom feeders.
Weekend Link Dump - Kid n Play edition
April 11, 2008
Ahhh yes, the joys of blatant plagiarism…
…and since i’m not actually a “journalist”, I have absolutely no reason to sip from the sacred chalice of journalistic integrity , I can instead swill from a theoretical beer stein of internet bootlegging.
First off, Drew from KSK wrote this for Deadspin.com. I think it nicely encompasses exactly why I have a site like this.
Heres a little throw back to my favorite album ever.
Click here to see how to make $100 with Fightlinker.com
NHL players and their celebrity look alikes…go for Sakic, stay for the Ovechkin.
Happy weekend time.
LinkPoop - Cartman > Bellicheck
April 10, 2008
Our boy Damon here may try to pull a Chinese-style censorship bid here, but check out this article, courtesy of the well-dressed and dapper folks at www.youbeenblinded.com
Saying that I watch alot of South park would be like saying that Paris Hilton attends a few gatherings. [Ed note: Paris - would ya?]
Bill Simmons: Sports Writing Legend or Ridiculous Mega-Dork?
April 9, 2008
Love and hate. Hate and love.
This is the problem with sports. I love ‘em and hate ‘em. Fun to play, fun to watch and even sometimes fun to talk about. (The English call it “sport” which actually makes much more sense, but I won’t confuse the peasantry). Anyhoo, the problem with SO MANY sports fans (you? probably.) is that they are DORKS with no clue as to what they’re talking about.
Listen to any sports call-in show (except maybe Rome) and my point is proven. Read more
Another reason to miss PRIDE
April 9, 2008
This list made me think 2 things:
1) UFC entrances eat a nut
2) How freaking amazing would it be to get Lenne Hardt to leave your voicemail message?
Shogun’s entrance: Read more
Athlete Mugshot Gallery
April 9, 2008
Apparently the AOL Sports guys should be writing for TheHouseofSmack, because their slideshow of the 22 best athlete mugshots is pretty damn impressive:
Apart from being pissed off I didn’t think of it myself, I did have some inane observations on the list that they produced.
1) The most glaring is the uncanny resemblance of Chris Henry and John Leguizamo’s character on Ice Age, you be the judge…
It’s simply impossible for me to look at any photo’s of Chris Henry now without hearing him say:
“Sschorry offisscher, I sschertainly didn’t mean to hit the man, I promissch I wont do it again…”
2) They also missed an assload of other amaaazing athlete mugshots from the past, so in traditional TheHouseofSmack.com one-up-dom, I added a few to the list here: Read more