As I sat with MikeD, suffering through another San Antonio Spurs victory last night, I became angry. My asshole clenched and my ball sack twitched. The beers went down faster and my tongue became looser. I became louder and more ignorant and Mikey’s roommates grew tired – of me. Siiiiiigh.

I hate the fucking Spurs. I hate them. It seems like EVERY basketball fan hates them. But why? They’re a bona fide dynasty with a couple of exciting superstars and maybe the greatest power forward of all-time. The idiot sports peasantry usually LOVES dynasties. They loved MJ and the Bulls, they loved Magic and the Lakers, and they loved Bird and the Celtics. So why not these guys? Why must we hate when all this world needs is love? *pukes in mouth*

1. They are a bunch of fucking whiners. Every time they go to the hoop and are blocked or stripped and every time they are called for a foul they act as though their mother was just touched inappropriately by a catholic priest. This comparison seems harsh but just watch them. It’s actually embarrassing and I hate it and I hate them. Tim Duncan is the worst. After years of biased officiating in his favour he’s developed a sense of ownership that is nauseating. He EXPECTS the officiating to cater to him. He expects it. I thought they were going to give techies out to these overdramatic cunts? Fuck around.

2. Gregg Popovich is such a dick. He makes Bill Belichick look like Mr. Rogers. And he’s hideous…pug-fugly one might say. He makes Chris Kaman look like Brad Pitt. He makes Hitler look like Gandhi.

3. Manu Ginobili. 6th man of the year? Ok great. So what you’re saying is he’s the 151st best player in the league *slow clap* congrats. What a special little princess. “No, I don’t WANT to start the game. I’ll play when I’m ready.” Clearly he’s a ridiculously effective player, but he is a cheap fuck and an absolute charlatan. Flopping around the court, arms flailing about, acting like he’s Iraqi/American gun fodder. Also, watch closely, he travels during at least half of his touches. (Side note: I greatly enjoyed Jeff Van Gundy repeatedly referring to Ginobili as “European” during Game 1. Not totally sure why.)

Check it:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48683

4. Tony Parker is so clutch. I don’t see any reason why this is a reason to hate a team, but it just tears me apart. Dagger after dagger in the fourth quarter of Game 2. At least make us THINK you have a chance of losing. Christ.

5. Bruce Bowen. Cheapest. Fuck. In the league. Seriously – youtube “Bruce Bowen Dirty” or “Bruce Bowen Cheap”. I need no further evidence.

6. Tim Duncan. The least likeable superstar in NBA history? I threw in the question mark as I became uncertain about halfway through that sentence. There were a lot of asshole superstars and I don’t think Duncan’s so much a asshole as the most boring and non-charismatic player ever.

Read these (they destroy him much more effectively):

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/tim_duncan_staring_at_wall

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48903

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/tim_duncan_offers_to_do

7. They were never SUPPOSED to be this good. Remember when they improbably flopped during the 96-97 season? David Robinson was clipped and the Spurs were brutal. (Aside: the first overall pick in the 1997 draft SHOULD’VE been the Grizzlies’, but the league made a ridiculous rule about not being able to have the #1 pick for a number of years – fuck.) The Spurs end up with Tim Duncan when they were already a legitimate playoff team (with shitface Robinson in the lineup). So basically as a result of that one injury I lost my NBA team (fuck you Stu Jackson) and I was destined to watch the asshole Spurs dominate for the next 10 (+?) years. Shudder.

8. The spur is a cruel implement used by cowboys to hurt horsies.

9. Texas is a state filled with half-tard bigot closeted homo assholes. (ends with a half-hearted, over-aggressive generalization *pats self on back*)

I love Charles Barkley.
Check out my band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TePuaeVP6Z0