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NHL Playoffs: Who Gave This “bleep” a Microphone?

by angry Jer.

The first round is always the best. By the time this “war of attrition” (between my ADD and weeks upon weeks of ‘meaningful’ games) ends I couldn’t give a shit about who’s in the finals. Especially if one of the teams was originally named after an Emilio Estevez “film” and the other has a coach with a severe speech impediment. Christ. The first round is definitely where it’s at. But my sweet jesus. Is it just me or has the quality of broadcasting taken a MASSIVE dive this year? Who are these people? Have they always been this shit? Let’s take a look and give them a grade. (I graduated journalism school with a shimmering B average. I have the right!)

Ron MacLean (CBC) – A champion of the people. The smartest, most prepared, coolest, calmest, best sports host out there. It’s nice when you know you could actually have a meaningful conversation with a “sports” guy. You should’ve seen him stick it to Jacques Rogge concerning China’s record on human rights! Atta boy Ronnie. Oh and the “quirk remarks” at the end of each Coach’s Corner segment are top shelf.

Grade: A+

Don Cherry (CBC) – The guy is getting old. I always wonder if he’s shriveling underneath those massively shoulder-padded jackets? He still looks fucking HUGE. The jackets are actually amazing no matter what anyone says. His antics…I don’t know – getting a bit tired of that shit. And the stuff with the troops. Christ. Gag me. I like that he cares and I do understand that supporting the troops isn’t supporting the war…but fuck me. Get those kids out of there. There’s no two ways about it. Seriously what the FUCK are Canadian kids doing dying in Afghanistan?! Anyway, Cherry’s alright. Apparently one of the ten greatest Canadians too (huh?).

Grade: C+

Kelly Hrudey (CBC) - Kelly started his broadcasting career a bit rough, but once he loosened up he was money and has continued to improve every game. He’s smooth, makes relevant points and truly loves and cares about the game. Also, he can throw down drinks like nobody’s business, which is always the sign of a gentleman. Man crush…?

Grade: A

PJ Stock (CBC) - Christ. Bad hire. What an idiot. The only thing that could make PJ Stock’s segment worse would be bringing in Gino Odjick and Esa Tikkanen to simultaneously translate into their mother tongues. (Sailish and… Mingtard?)

Grade: D

Cassie Campbell (CBC) – Hold it in Jer, hold it in. BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!! She’s fucking terrible! Terrible! Cassie’s defenders will immediately say “you don’t like her cause she’s a woman.” Nope. I don’t like her because she’s terrible. She actually started a stand-up with “I just got back from China so I’m really tired…”. I almost collapsed in disgust. She then proceeded to butcher every read, stand-up and interview while on the air. The same rule applies to her as anyone. Just because you “played the game” doesn’t mean you’re fit for the broadcast booth. Shudder.

Grade: D-

Scott Oake (CBC) – Having met Mr. Oake a number of times in the past I can tell you with much certainty that he’s an asshole. Bona fide, true-blue asshole. However, I can’t let that bias my evaluation of his skills. He’s not too bad and he and the aforementioned Mr. Hrudey have a pretty good rapport on air. Also, they got really hammered at Hockey Day in Canada in Newfoundland, which was admirable. (What else do you do in Newfoundland?) I hate to point out the obvious, but the comb-over in high definition is terrifying.

Grade: C (a B with a full point penalty for being an asshole)

Bob Cole (CBC) – So many people I know slag the guy for being too old and for calling “Markus Naslund”, “Mats Naslund” and for not knowing any teams except the Leaves (or “Leafs” as some call them), but this guy is AWESOME. The voice is unparalleled. I will watch a shit game for five minutes just to hear the voice. It’s nostalgic and warming. Bob Cole is the new Foster Hewitt. Love it.

Grade: A

Pierre Maguire (TSN) – Christ. First non-CBCer. I guess you know which station I’ve been watching. Pierre is a spaz, but I can’t just slander him straight on. He annoys the shit out of me, but still makes some great points during the game. He also gives an outstanding sports talk radio interview. He bugs me a lot more on TSN than he does on NBC. I think it’s because NBC’s broadcast is fucking embarrassing and he brings the only semblance of hockey sanity. The guy knows his shit, but he’s tough to stomach.

Grade: C+

Glenn Healey (TSN) - So. Fucking. Obnoxious. Fuck you.

Grade: F

Darren Pang (TSN) – Stop hiring back-up goalies.

Grade: D

Greg Millen (CBC) – See above. I’ve never wanted to punch a broadcaster more than I did him during Canada’s loss to Switzerland at the 2006 Olympics. I was also disaster-smashed at 5:45 on a Saturday morning, but now we’re just splitting hairs.

Grade: D-

NBC – Bad. Very bad indeed. Even Brett Hull in between periods was garbage.

Grade: E (why are there Ds and Fs but no Es?)

VERSUS – An absolute disgrace to the sport of hockey. You did this Gary Bettman. You fucking did this. You little cock sucker…anything further would be considered “uttering threats”.

VERSUS is unwatchable. You’d think they’d hire some people who actually know what hockey is. I would rather listen to an entire day of FM radio morning shows than listen to 30 seconds of a VERSUS broadcast.

Grade: Fuck off

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