An Illogical and Unresearched Breakdown of Every NBA Playoff Series: Boston – Atlanta
April 22, 2008
The excitement! The drama! Manu Ginoblli’s bald spot – it’s the NBA playoffs folks!
Well, I was going to write a running diary of each Game 1 in the NBA playoffs, but then I decided “Hey Mike, wouldn’t you much rather DO something during your weekend? Ya know, go out there and live?”, so I’m sad to report that I only watched 7 of the 8 games, but was too hung-over to even heat up my Chef Boyardee, let alone make a running diary (and ladies, I know what you’re thinking – YES it was beefaroni).
Here’s how the Series are looking as of right now. Or…now. Or now.
East
#1 Boston vs. #8 Atlanta
Boston – Do you think this team gets the most groupies? I mean, they have bona fide stars, recognizable veterans, a big market – but then again, they are in Boston. The last time I visited that city I honestly did not find one single attractive woman. It was astonishing; I walked around the streets trying to get my bearings and everyone was wearing those fuckin annoying beat up BoSox caps – mothers, grandmothers, fathers, children, didn’t matter. I’m telling you, it’s becoming an epidemic. Think of how many people you know have these caps – doesn’t it cause them to be an annoying douchebag of Sox fandom? If we don’t do something soon, the world is going to be divided into two post-apocalyptic camps: one that looks to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck as the “Great Teachers” and wear nothing but khakis, JJ Bean sweaters and BoSox caps and one that wears baggy pants, an Ecko jacket, listens to Pitbull and wear Yankees cap. I’m genuinely frightened.
That said, New England Clam Chowder > Manhattan Clam Chowder
Atlanta – What an odd group this Atlanta team is; super athletic, but just can’t get it done. Also, Josh Childress’s afro is home to the world’s largest population of Red-Bellied hummingbirds – they fly in and out of his view during foul shots. Here’s what I don’t get though – why is Mike Bibby considered black? Just like Jason Kidd, I’m blacker than that guy and I’ve only been to the tanning salon yesterday (what? I gots to look good for my girlz yo). I guess if their dad was black, the genomes and traits carried over to their sons was light-skinned dominant, but I mean if I have a red 88 Mercury Topaz (I wish!) and someone said “oh no that’s a black Topaz” I would counter with “Well fuck right off, that’s a red topaz if I’ve ever seen one”. Stupid comparison you say? Well I yelled out “Red Topaz! Red Topaz!” at the last Dallas Mavericks home game and Jason Kidd didn’t even look at me. Now who’s stupid?
Series Prediction: Brooms. 4-0 Celtics.
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I’m pretty sure you wrote this while HIGH last night. Fairly certain. Indeed.