Love and hate. Hate and love.

This is the problem with sports. I love ‘em and hate ‘em. Fun to play, fun to watch and even sometimes fun to talk about. (The English call it “sport” which actually makes much more sense, but I won’t confuse the peasantry). Anyhoo, the problem with SO MANY sports fans (you? probably.) is that they are DORKS with no clue as to what they’re talking about.

Listen to any sports call-in show (except maybe Rome) and my point is proven.

Which brings me to Bill Simmons. He’s got a thing. It seems to work. Huge readership, best-selling book, some good knowledge and a decent overall style. The thing is – for every time I laugh reading one of his columns, there is a time I want to flick one of his small nerdly balls. He will go from a clever “theory” or analogy into a three-paragraph diatribe about some fucking ridiculous movie I’ve never heard of. It pains me. The joy. The agony. It’s a roller coaster of sporting emotion.

Let’s investigate.

Legend: He has been a major player in the evolution of the sports column. His short paragraphs and colloquial approach have made the sports column more accessible.

Dork: He has a squealy dork voice. Ha. Low blow. I’m just warming up.

Legend: He uses humour and doesn’t take himself too seriously. Pretty damn funny from time-to-time. Tres bien!

Dork: He talks about Vegas WAY TOO MUCH. What I’ve learned from his Vegas talk is that he doesn’t know how to drink. He strikes me as a major dork trying to sound cool. “I had at least SIX VODKA RED BULLS! Neato! And what could be more cool than DRINKING in LAS VEGAS, Nevada?!?! Cause you know – what happens in Vegas…” *chokes self out* (in a good way).

Legend: He has developed (through some sort of powerfully neurotic sporting OCD) quite a stunning body of knowledge about football, basketball and baseball. Kudos sir.

Dork: This fucking guy watches too much TV. WAY too much. I understand that knowing about sports is your living. Ok. Good. But why then continue to log hours and hours of couch time watching other garbage TV? There’s a whole world out there waiting for you little guy. Oh the places you’ll go!

Legend: He adds a personal touch by including his friends, but more importantly his dad. There’s something very universal and warming about this. Nice touch.
Dork: I think he actually thinks sports matter. They don’t. We all know they’re an opiate. Quite a fine opiate I must say. Sometimes he writes about sports like they’re Iraq, or Darfur, or Afghanistan, or Zimbabwe, or Surrey (eat a dick Slurrey). This is a systemic problem with the sports media, so maybe it’s not all his fault. Maybe.

Legend: Gambling. I like it and I like that he talks about it. Anyone who denies that gambling is an INTEGRAL aspect of the sports industry is delusional and probably sexually confused. *Insert Larry Craig joke* (Aside – how do these clearly homosexual right-wing Christian zealots get away with all of this rampant bum sex and continue to pretend to know what “God wants”? If it’s a sin like you say, you’re going to “hell” – which for them is a giant vagina. If it’s not a sin like every rational, half-educated person knows you’re cleared for takeoff. Have a good time.)

Dork: Here’s a theory: “The Exponential Dork Theory”. Even if at the end of this article we decide that Simmons is only say, 10% dork – he still has a dark, insidiously magical power of attracting bigger dorks who pull him further into the “dork vortex”. The mailbag. Good god. That thing can get out of control. In a hurry. (Note: I realize that I just created the term “dork vortex”. The theory is true. Even in writing about him I’m becoming exponentially dorkier. Siiiiiimmmmmmmooooonnns!)

Legend: He actually should be the GM of the Bucks. What’s the worst that could happen? They miss the playoffs, make poor draft choices, even worse trades and are generally a disgrace to the already disgraceful state of Wisconsin? Wait, am I buying into some sick propaganda campaign? You’ve won this round Simmons.

Dork: He let his wife get involved with his work and as a result he has been massacred two years in a row in his NFL Picks column. Unconscionable. But hilarious.

Verdict: A great sports writer with a strong and infectious streak of dork. He doesn’t beat around the bush and says what he means which is great. He just needs to tone down the nerd. Good day.