First off, we’re eliminating names that are just shortened versions of a real name. Calling someone “D. Wade” when their name is Dwayne Wade is saying it like a doctor, not being clever. I’m also not including any country-specific nicknames – so no “Great Wall of China” for Yao or “Captain Canada” for Steve Nash, or whatever the hell you’d say for someone from Slovakia.

The only reason they have these names is because most Americans are so freaking stupid they’ll forget unless you bash them over the head to get the “Hey, he’s from a different country” angle. For instance, I was in Kentucky recently and walked up to this dumbass looking yokel who thought Yao Ming was from the Luwan region of Shanghai and not the Zhabei region! Like OMG – how dumb are you?

If there are any names I’m leaving out, drop them in the comments below:

All-Time Best Nicknames

Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain – Much better than his other nickname – “Dad?”

“Pistol” Pete Marovich – So named because he “shot” so well and “fired” passes at impossible angles. Also, he carried a gun in his short shorts. Wait, no, I’m being told those were his balls.

“Chocolate Thunder” Darrell Dawkins – Mustn’t…make…poop joke…

“The Logo” Jerry West – OK, officially the coolest nickname of all time. Oh wait – it’s not a nickname – HE’S ACTUALLY THE WHOLE LEAGUE’S LOGO. (See above!) Once described as “poetry in motion” by various other white people, he seemed a logical choice. Meanwhile, your company refuses to make you napping at your desk their logo. Assholes.

Best Current Nicknames

“Black Mamba” “Kobra” Kobe Bryant – Can we just STOP with the snake names for Kobe? They sound terrible, like some movie exec needed a villain name. Actually, can we call him “Snidely Whiplash”? Because that would be fantastic.

“The Answer” A.I. – Who takes too many shots and doesn’t involve his teammates?

“King James” LBJ – I, for one detest the nickname King James for a 23 year old basketball player who’s never won a danged thing. Now, let’s compare that to the actual King James II:

James II and VII (14 October 1633 – 16 September 1701) was King of England, King of Scots, and King of Ireland from 6 February 1685 to 11 December 1688. He was the last Roman Catholic monarch to reign over the Kingdoms of England, Scotland, and Ireland. Many of his subjects distrusted his religious policies and autocratic tendencies, leading a group of them to depose him in the Glorious Revolution in 1688. He was replaced not by his Roman Catholic son, James Francis Edward, but by his Protestant daughter and son-in-law, Mary II and William III, who became joint rulers in 1689. James made one serious attempt to recover his crowns, when he landed in Ireland in 1689. After his defeat at the Battle of the Boyne in the summer of 1690, James returned to France, living out the rest of his life under the protection of his cousin and ally, King Louis XIV.

James is best known for his belief in absolute monarchy and his attempts to create religious liberty for his subjects. Both of these went against the wishes of the English Parliament and of most of his subjects. Parliament, opposed to the growth of absolutism that was occurring in other European countries, as well as to the loss of legal supremacy for the Church of England, saw their opposition as a way to preserve traditional English liberties. This tension made James’s three-year reign a struggle for supremacy between the Parliament and the crown, resulting in his ouster, the passage of the English Bill of Rights, and the Hanoverian succession.

Also, he had nearly 28.4 ppg for the entire 1654 season. Your move Lebron…

“Agent Zero” Gilbert Arenas – Alright that’s pretty damn cool.

“Mr. Big Shot” Chauncey Billups – Even though he can no longer actually come up with a big shot, this nickname has stuck. It’s kinda like me calling you “The Fastest Tree Climber on Smith Street” even though you haven’t done it since you were 7 years old.

“The Big Shaqtus”, “The Big Aristotle”, “The Big Diesel”, “G.O.A.T.” Shaq – Now I know the media LOVES Shaq: He makes bad rap! He makes kid movies! He’s helping fatties lose weight! But isn’t it one of the most important rules in nicknames that you can’t give yourself your own nickname? Shaq’s done it like 5 times! So to summarize: The guy bailed out on three franchises, sucks at movies, sucks at music, never became better and just uses his fat ass to push other people out of the way?

Oh my God. Oh my God. We never saw it coming. Shaq is, in truth, Brett Ratner! Aaarrrgggghhhhh!

Players Who Need Nicknames

Amare Stoudamire – Because if I’m forced to hear one more commentator talk about the most dominant force in basketball today by saying in an Italian accent “That’s Amare!” I may single-handedly kill every TV commentator (and Jack McCallum for good measure) or all of Italy. Stay tuned to find out which one!

Ron Artest – How opposing teams don’t play “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley every time he enters the game is beyond me. Just kidding Ron, please don’t hurt me.

Kelenna Azubuike – He already has the most fun name to say – why not call him a combo of both names – so something like Kel + Azu. You’re telling me you wouldn’t yell out “KELAZU!” every time he makes a corner tray? Also, it sounds like a voodoo chant – and we haven’t really had a good one of those since that dancing baby song.

“Kelazu!”

Andrew Bynum – I propose Andrew “Are you fucking kidding me? Ship his ass out!” Bynum; it’s a little long to say but enjoyable nonetheless.

Sam Cassell – How can the guy who looks like a poster in a dorm room of an alien holding a bong not have a better nickname than “Sam I Am”? It isn’t a nickname by the way – it’s a reference to a movie where Sean Penn plays a retard – so why don’t’ we just call him “Retard”? If we’re so “PC” as a culture where we can’t call an ugly inter-racial man “retard” then stop this world, I want off.

DeSagana Diop – Double D’s! I think it’s about time we had an athlete with the moniker DeSagana “Big Ole Titties” Diop – yes, yes, BESIDES Barry Bonds.

Kevin Durant – he’s been called Gumbi, the Elastic Man, and now they’ve just given up and call him KD, as in kraft freaking dinner. Congrats Kevin, you’ll soon be the rookie of the year and also on sale for $0.57 at Target.

Jermaine O’Neal – How about “The Lesser of Two O’Neals”? It’s between that and Jermaine “Wait, why am I a star? I suck, I don’t make my team better, I have no heart and my knees are so shot that I’m just playing the last 10 games of the year so I can increase my trade value and go to ruin another franchise” O’Neal.

[Ed note: Seriously, we’re cool right, Ron?]