An Open Letter to Chris Henry
April 3, 2008
Hi Chris,
Well, I see that the Bengals have cut you loose after another run in with the law. Pffft, buncha prudes.
I want you to know that even though you’re now without a team, I have a special place for you on my couch in my heart. After all, it’s not like you really did anything wrong. Let’s look at what you did [courtesy of the Withleather.com boys - see that Jack McCallum? It's called a "reference". Jackass]
“December ‘05: Speeding, marijuana possession, no valid driver’s license or auto insurance ”
- Well obviously you were speeding, you didn’t have a license and your insurance was expired. Duh.
“January ‘06: Multiple gun charges in Orlando, including assault with a firearm, while wearing his #15 jersey. Plead guilty.”
- You know how they say “no publicity is bad publicity”? I’m sure you were just thinking of that right? And you plead guilty right? That’s basically saying “my bad” - why are these assholes all over you? What are they - the fun police?
Oh…they’re the real police. My mistake.
“May ‘06: Investigated in sex crime. No charges were ever filed.”
- I think the language was just off here. Change it to “investigated in-sex crime” and it sounds like you’re just a crime voyeur right? (Man! PR’ing is hard!)
“June ‘06: Arrested for DUI. Charges dismissed when defense proved breathalyzer was faulty. ”
- Luckily you were too hammered to remember this whole episode. Whew!
“September ‘06: Teammate Odell Thurman gets a DUI. Henry, a passenger, vomits out the window.”
- Vomiting is not a crime. If it was, every frat boy in the US would be arrested (but “who will videotape the public gangbangs?” you ask. Shhh Chris…we’ll get to that later.) Also, Odell Thurman drives like a 60 year old Asian woman, so 100% understandable. NEXT QUESTION.
“October ‘06: NFL levies two-game suspension”
- two game suspension = two week vacation! It’s all in how you spin it people.
“January ‘07: Pleads guilty to giving minors alcohol the previous spring.”
- If confronted with this again, just tell the cops: “You remember what it was like when YOU were 17 and really wanted to drink to have fun with your friends…and give a BJ to a famous football player?”
“April ‘07: Suspended for first eight games of ‘07 season.”
- gave you time to do some yardwork and install those new solid oak cupboards! Hooray!
“June ‘07: Henry and teammate Reggie McNeal allegedly assault a 16-year-old boy. The charges were deemed unfounded and dismissed.”
- Who says he’s not a team player? “and teammate Reggie McNeal” - cmon coach! We’s bonding! This “kid” was 6′4″ and probably around 230 lbs. He was also lippy. Who’s going to parent the parents society asks? Chris Henry answered.
“November ‘07: Accused of assaulting a valet at Newport on the Levee. No charges were filed, but Henry is banned from returning.”
- Valets are worthless pieces of trash. They get to ride your nice car, get paid and then demand a tip. To put it in perspective, I am neither rich, nor a famous football player - but in the last week I have killed 14 valets. Perspective people!
Also - you’re “banned from returning”? Oh MY GOD! NOT THE LEVEE! They didn’t let 16 year olds drink anyways, so screw em.
“April ‘08: Assault charges”
- In your defense that 16 year old valet at the Levee had it coming. “Autograph” this punk!
I guess if I have any parting words, it’d be this: Please don’t leave my life Chris. Please. I need you to come back, make plays and get up to your usual shenanigans. Don’t do it for me though Chris. Do it for my fantasy team the kids.
(I was talking about going to buy alcohol - sorry I didn’t introduce that last sentence properly.)
Sincerely,
MikeD, TheHouseofSmack
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One more note here folks:
*reclines in chair*
Now I’m not a big city lawyer, but if you give alohol to a minor and they don’t bust you until after the minor is 18 - is it a crime?
Did I blow your mind?
Is it blown?
blowed.
Your fantasy team is always terrible.
Come to Dallas Chris! All is forgiven!