Who’s the Boss?
April 2, 2008
(Brought to you by new HofS contributor Jer cuz his shit’s tight….and he’s in a band, this is his first article so please, release the hounds.) I apologize to the losers who were clamoring for a Tony Danza article. After seeing THE BOSS (Bruce fucking Springsteen) in concert last night my man crush list has vaulted to a very precarious (for my heterosexuality) list of two. Though no mere “athlete” could ever approach the levels of charisma exuded by the man himself, here are some of the most “Boss” pro athletes out there. Basketball The Boss 
KG – That Gatorade commercial where he explodes out of the ball (CLICK HERE TO SEE) looks like a scene from some of my worst nightmares. It actually seems plausible that this rain-soaked alien could spring forth from a magic orb-ball and destroy the Eastern Conference. (That’s what happened this year isn’t it?) KG is a Boss. Try posting him up. Try beating him to a loose ball. Try keeping him off the glass. No. You can’t. The Opposite of Boss (Snapper Face?) Vince Carter – He’s a little poopy-dipey, little baby boy, isn’t he. Isn’t he? I hate Vince Carter. This overrated Prima donna prick is the antithesis of the embodiment of Bossism. He’s selfish. He whines. He’s a mental midget. He’s shit. Eat a dick Vince. Baseball The Boss 
I would pick ManRam if he weren’t about two points above the retard line on the IQ scale. Jimmy Rollins talks and walks the walk, but it all seems a bit forced. As much as it pains me to do this – it’s gotta be Jeter. He’s consistent, he’s clutch and he’s even got a little charisma. He owns New York…well for baseball. Bruce sold out MSG 5 nights straight so…yeah. He’s good at playing shortstop. The Opposite of Boss (Hitler?) Obviously A-Rod. No wait…Bonds. Forget it – no more Bonds talk. He’s dead to us. The way A-Rod chokes in October would be like Bruce forgetting the lyrics to “Dancing in the Dark” during an encore. The Boss comes through when it matters. Twat-Rod does not. (Milton Bradley is an asshole as well.) Football 
The Boss The Boss is an honest workingman, so it can’t be a criminal. That narrows it down. The Boss isn’t a corporate shill – bye Peyton. It’s not Tom Brady (I don’t need a reason, nor do I necessarily have one.) It COULD one day be Adrian Peterson, but not yet. Fuck it. Chris Berman. He’s DEFINITELY the Boss of sportscasting and he owns football like Woody Harrelson owns male pattern hair loss. Check out some of these nicknames.The guy is a maniac. Also, I could see him and Bruce knocking back 25 or 30 drinks and having a grand old time. I’m getting thirsty. The Opposite of Boss (Osama?) Tiki Barber. Hahahahaha. I didn’t believe in karma until the 2007 season happened. Man that was awesome. Retires, writes a book trashing pretty much every Giant, dogs the team repeatedly, acts like a pompous prick on TV, and NY wins the Super Bowl. It feels good. Hockey The Boss 110%, blah blah blah, one game at a time, blah blah blah, I don’t shave for three months ‘cause it’s the playoffs. Snnoooooooooozzzze. 
No one. (I have to pick someone???) Ok fine. Ovechkin. This Russian dynamo can dangle through an entire team, scoring the prettiest goal you’ve ever seen one shift and the next shift turn around and ANNHILATE the biggest D-man on the opposing team with an open-ice hit. It’s like how the Boss can make me cry with State Trooper and then turn around and rock my ass off with No Surrender. He’s cool that way. The Opposite of Boss (Tikhonov?) 
Sean Avery is such a dick weed that I literally cannot help smiling with glee every time I see him do something stupid. He threw a full water bottle at his own fans! What a fucking idiot! Bruce pisses around with water but it involves drinking some in and spitting it out to create a cool mist effect with the stage lights (Lebron James steals this idea when he throws chalk in the air before games). Bruce also poured water onto Max Weinberg’s back with a sponge in the first encore, which was super-homo, but still cool. Avery also starred as the New York Rangers’ goon in the Rocket Richard movie. He was a real dick in that scene too. But the Rocket punched his lights out. Eat it Avery. ——- It was sacrilegious and illegal in seven states for me to have compared these twits to the Boss, but it killed some of the workday and made me forget about my stadium draught beer hangover temporarily. Indeed.
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It’s hard for someone to be the “anti-boss” when they make 28-freaking-million dollars isn’t it?
Also – Vince Carter molests 4 year old boys. Spread the word to everyone you know.
“AND IIIIIIiiiiIIIIiii-eeeee—-IIIII…..willlll alllways HATE VINCE -oooooOOooooo”
Didn’t he incorporate the four year old touching into one of his trick dunks from 2000?
Kovalev over Ovechkin. Fucking Ovechkin… Sean Avery is a douche bag just like Bryan McCabe. Go HABS 2008!
What do you mean “fucking Ovechkin”. He’s the saviour! 65 ginos this year brah!
Watch Kovalev meeeelllllllllt in the playoffs. Watch it!
I wouldn’t take Kovalev over Ovechkins grandmother.