The Worst Best Sports Franchise in History

For the last three months the Toronto and Canadian sports media have been building and driving the ‘Burke or Bust’ Bandwagon and recklessly swerving it about town like drunken sailors on shore leave. 

The same people that were ratcheting up the expectations of how great it was going to be to have him, are now the same group of giggling teenage girls that are talking about how loyal he to stay, and how he was never really coming here anyway.  

Let’s lay some cards down on the table: My name is Sean and I am a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.
(It helps the pain if I say it out loud.) 
I, like every other Leafs fan, am an addict.  Our addiction does not come at the point of a needle, or the bottom of a glass.  No.  Our addiction is in the constant ingestion of promises and rumor concerning what has now become the worst best franchise in the history of sport… Read more

John Daly Loves Golf, Hates Shirts

In an interview recently with some hillbilly news station, drinkin’, smokin’, tokin, snortin’ golf pro John Daly kindly took time off of his busy schedule to be interviewed.

His apparent disregard for a shirt or shoes was oddly appropriate as he drawled on through the questions sounding like Farmer Fran from The Waterboy.

Simultanious props and WTF???? to Deadspin.com

Check it: http://ozarksfirst.com/media_player.php?media_id=34761

Smoke Weed? That’s a Scoopin’

Washington Nationals embattled outfielder Elijah Dukes had reportedly got his probation shortened by spending 25 hours scooping up animal feces at the zoo.

Now I dont want to get into my political outlook about the ridiculious notion of sending people to jail for smoking weed, or wasting time and money with trials, lawers and incarceration…but this punishment has got me thinking that  they could be on the right track.

Jail is asinine for a pothead. Fines are meaningless for rich athletes….but…

…imagine how clean we could make Detroit if everybody who got busted for weed had to clean some shit up!

I’m just sayin.

Why We Hate (the Spurs)

As I sat with MikeD, suffering through another San Antonio Spurs victory last night, I became angry. My asshole clenched and my ball sack twitched. The beers went down faster and my tongue became looser. I became louder and more ignorant and Mikey’s roommates grew tired - of me. Siiiiiigh.

I hate the fucking Spurs. I hate them. It seems like EVERY basketball fan hates them. But why? They’re a bona fide dynasty with a couple of exciting superstars and maybe the greatest power forward of all-time. The idiot sports peasantry usually LOVES dynasties. They loved MJ and the Bulls, they loved Magic and the Lakers, and they loved Bird and the Celtics. So why not these guys? Why must we hate when all this world needs is love? *pukes in mouth* Read more

Dwyane Wade, Star Jones - Wait, What?

Loyal reader KingBill emailed me this story (you know when the subject line of an email is: “I just threw up in my mouth a little” its gonna be a good one), but I’m still not sure I get it.

Apparently, Star Jones and Dwayne Wade are dating. I don’t know if it’s true or not, as the Detroit Free Press article simply has a bullet point saying:

• Star Jones, reportedly dating Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade, has filed for a divorce from her husband of about three years, Al Reynolds.

Read more

An Illogical and Unresearched Breakdown of Every NBA Playoff Series: Washington vs. Cleveland

Continuing upon our award-winning (ok, my mom said she liked it) series, let’s break down the Wizards vs. the Cavaliers – and no, we aint’ talking about a “really rad” game of Warcraft, we’s talking hoops!

Washington

Ok, admittedly, I was hoping the Wiz would kick the Cavs ass here. I mean after my Lebron vs. DeShaun comparison  it really seemed like Washington had the drive and the chutchzpa to get over the Cavs hump. However, I guess Congress – wait for it, wait for it! - isn’t the only group in Washington that can’t get anything done (oh you cad you!). Antawn Jamison – who pronounces his name “Ant-Wann” even though it’s not spelled like that (I pronounce my name “Or-lan-do Bloom” even though I spell it Mike), is the only one who’s actually doing anything, while their non-existent bench continues to get them in trouble. Agent Zero played well in the first game, but came up way short in the second. To let you know how bad they played in Game 2, the Wizards cheerleaders wouldn’t even have sex with Brandon Haywood – that’s how upset they were.

Cleveland

Apparently that LeBron James can ball. Yikes. It’s amazing that you can win a playoff game with a  supporting cast of guys 5 years past their prime – it’s kinda like N’Sync got back together. Oh God, did I just type that? Justin is so handsome. Oh God…stop typing. [Ed note: Mike ran away as soon as he finished typing that sentence, crying and yelling something about me "not understanding their love" or something like that]

The worst part of the Cavs playoff run though is that Daniel Gibson - Oh! Looks like someone in the Cavs organization learned how to use Photoshop!- and his ridiculous hairdo walks around like he’s Scottie to LeBron’s MJ. Dude, you have the nickname “Boobie” – you ain’t shit.

Please don’t read into that too much though, because I heart boobies. Just not ones who can’t defend and are streaky shooters at best.

All I’m saying is I’d rather watch this boobie, than that Boobie.

Pick: Cleveland in 5

[Thanks to Filmdrunk for the masterbatory awesomeness link and Jack McCallum for still being the bane of my existence].

I’m Not Touching You!

[Written by new HofS contributer Sean Murphy, if you have any questions for Sean, please F**k off.]

Like a little brother on a long family road trip with an outstretched finger, Sean Avery waved his stick in front of Brodeur’s face. His defense. like a petulant little brother was a familiar one; “I’m not touching you”.

When professional sports begin to mirror a family vacation along the I-90 something has got to be done.

This childish display was handled like any fraternal squabble ever has been. Mommy steps between the feuding boys and says she has had enough. That is exactly what happened here. Betman, like the good den mother he is, looked at the two brothers and laid down the law. The problem is that a solution that seems like a good idea along the side of a highway by a Denny’s, hardly ever works out in the long run. Eventually the two brothers will harbor resentment for each other and somewhere between the Denny’s and the Stucky’s, the older brother takes matters into his own hands and lays the smack down.

In this case Avery should consider himself lucky that Brodeur is the older brother instead of Hextall. Ronny wouldn’t have waited for mommy to stick her nose in. He would have fucked Avery so hard with his stick that he would be shitting Sherwood babies for a month.

The league would have handed out acceptable retribution and that would have been that. Which brings me to my real problem. Bertuzzi never would have gone after Moore three weeks later the way that he did if the hit on Naslund had been taken care of that night.

While the Avery situation is not as severe, he will one day have to answer for all the bullshit he has done and all of the bad intentions will explode into one bloody scene that will become a permanent blemish on NHL forever. Betman has to realize that there is nothing he can do to make baseball fans buy into the idea of the NHL. By eliminating the instigator rule, he has effectively become the mother of a bunch of kids that will one day grow up to kill each other.

If a younger brother is sticking his hand in your face, despite what your mother says you smack the shit out of him once and he won’t do it again. If he does it again you smack him again, and then it is his own fault for being a slow learner. I don’t blame Avery for doing what he is doing. Where is the disincentive for him to stop?

No one with any balls is ever going to be scared of Betman. Simon and Pronger boot-fucked someone with their skates and they are still playing, so Avery is going to keep waving his finger in peoples faces until it gets broken.

The question now; who out there is going to do it? Who has the stones? Avery at the end of the day is an intense scary son of a bitch. He is like Joe Pesci in Casino, you come at him with hit from behind, he will come at you with a cross-check to the teeth.

The only way that you can stop him is by taking care of him when he crosses the line. Like a dog that shits on a rug. A quick slap on the nose with a newspaper whenever he lifts his leg. Every dog, no matter how wild, can eventually be broken.

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