One of These Is Not Like the Other…
March 31, 2008
With the news that Eugene Wilson has been kicked off the Pittsburgh Steelers after punching his girlfriend and “baby momma” in an eatery (she should’ve suggested Denny’s…no one has a bad time when they order the meat lovers skillet!), a lot of people are shocked! This behavior is terrible, yadda, yadda. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone hitting women (except on the ass. Ladies, call me!), but this guy makes a living playing a tough game, so I doubt he’s the only NFL-er to hit his girlfriend. He fits right in with a long line of Rae Carruth-type visionaries idiots, but that got me to thinking:
- Man, I could really go for some Denny’s!
So after getting to Denny’s it got me to thinking:
- Man, this is delicious!
But then I thought:
- If Wilson fits right in, what sports players just don’t fit in? Which players do you look at and think “What’s he doing there?”
And so, after scribbling on a Denny’s napkin, I present to you:
The HofS’s Island of Misfit Toys
NBA
Darius Miles (Portland Trailblazers)
The past few seasons, Portland has decided to make character their top priority in order to develop chemistry. So they traded away Sebastian Telfair and Zach Randolph, drafted Martell Webster (his name is freaking WEBSTER!), Brandon Roy and Greg Oden. Still, they couldn’t find a buyer for the guy who pounds his fists on his forehead after every basket. Now they’re trying to get the NBA to allow an independent doctor to determine if he can actually play or is just faking sick.
So they tried their best to clean up, but still have a lingering reminder of how bad they used to be.
Real Life Comparison:
Darius Miles = Genital Warts
David Lee (New York Knicks)
He’s white, plays hard, hustles for every ball and really cares about winning basketball games – and plays for the New York Knicks.
Real life comparison:
David Lee = The one girl who can sing in the Pussycat Dolls
Brian Scalabrine (Boston)
So you have the top team in the league, the best defense and a guy who looks like a pedophile the day manager at a Circuit City? Just to put it in perspective: the world’s highest paid Michael Rappaport lookalike makes more than P.J.Brown, Sam Cassell, Rajon Rondo, Glen Davis and Leon Powe COMBINED. The NBA – where fat white guys happen!
Real life comparison:
www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com
Andres Biedrins (Golden State)
OK, so you have a team in the toughest city in the nation (Oakland), with a few of the craziest thugs in pro sports (Steven Jackson, Baron Davis) and everyone on the team is black. Who should we get? Hmm…I know - a guy who looks like he listens to David Hasselhoff and does his hair like he’s way too much into the My New Haircut video. I mean who does he talk with in the locker room? At least Shaun Bradley had Dirk Nowitzki.
Real Life Comparison:
Strangely enough, every white person who has ever entered Oakland.
LeBron James (Cleveland)
MJ had Scottie Pippen. Magic had Kareem. Shaq had Kobe.
*points to the left*
LeBron has this guy.
Real Life comparison:
Optimus Prime.
Yi Jianlian (Milwaukee)
One of China’s biggest sports celebrities, a member of their national team, plays in the same city that’s known for abortions sauerkraut, beer and sub-par baseball – namely, everything that makes America great. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Real life comparison:
You know how the Dali Lama does World Tours and gives speeches to rich white audiences and ends up in photos like this? That’s Yi’s life.
NHL
While roughly 99.99% of all hockey players are as dull as a year old copy of US weekly - in a hospital waiting room…more specifically the kidney dialysis unit…featuring a special on Mark Harmon…between two slices of white bread…with the TV turned to the View – there are a few guys that stand apart (and no I will not simply mention the black players).
Without further Freddy Adu, a black hockey player:
Ray Emery (Ottawa)
The NHL’s marketing department must be geniuses.
“Hey, we’ve got this charismatic, young, hip-hop influenced, badass black kid who plays goalie and has a helmet with freaking Muhammed Ali on it – where should we put him?”
“I know! How about as a backup in Ottawa!”
Gah – can’t you guys do anything right? If this was the NBA he’d already be traded to New York and get caught sleeping with 10 prostitutes high on PCP. Get on that NHL!
Real life comparison:
Every Bernie Mac movie ever made.
George Parros (Anaheim)
His official bio on NHL.com
“After being swept off the mast of the Bounty, Gorgeous George was shipwrecked for over a year. During this time he began to plot and scheme his revenge on the evil ship captain, who had once kidnapped his bride.” [OK, that's not truthful - but wouldn't surprise me!]
Real life comparison:
The one, the only Victor Kiriakis from All My Children
NFL
Excitingly, 2/5 of this list is devoted solely to the Bengals. Because WKRP was the best thing to come out of Cincinnati – and that was fictional for crying out loud. If you doubt how much the city sucks, read Alexis De Tocqueville’s description in the 19th century [Ed note: a reference from 1831? Wasn't that the last time the Bengals beat the Ravens? Wacka wacka wacka!]
Carson Palmer (Cincinnati)
A charming California boy who raped girls at frat parties dominated the college game at USC. He excels at leadership and has enough charisma to woo a major market. So, of course he plays for a shitty team of cons and ex-cons and is based in the shittiest city in the United States (you hear that Lubbock, Texas? You’re off the hook!).
Real life comparison:
Burt Reynolds in The Longest Yard, but with less chest hair
T.J.Houshmanzadeh (Cincinnati)
I may have spelled his name incorrectly, and I don’t care. Poor Housh is of Iranian decent and is forced to live in Ohio – where people would rather lock their doors than ask for autographs. Also, he seems to want to be as badass as Chad Johnson, but he’s actually a nice guy. Wait – a Persian who acts like he’s black? How is he not from London?
Real life comparison:
Kip from Napoleon Dynamite
Jeff Garcia (Tampa Bay)
I guess if a gay guy’s gonna play football he should play for the Bucs at least. I’m just really upset that he’s banging Carmella Descarre, or at least banging her while thinking of Bruce Gradkowski. Hot damn she’s fine. The good thing is when she divorces him it’ll be like buying a brand new car – “Vagina for sale: Hardly Ever Used!”
Real life comparison:
Mr. Garrison on South Park
Stephen Cooper (Chargers)
Wait a second here, he’s a talented performer who’s on the Chargers and isn’t a loud mouthed douchebag? Is this a typo or something? [Ed note: level of Cooper's douchebaggery not yet graded]
Real life comparison:
Jennifer Lopez’s backup dancers
Cortland Finngan (Tennessee)
Whoa. Just look at his photo. So your dad is Irish and your mom is Black? What does that make him? Blish? Irack? Unemployable? Still, pretty sweet mix when your dominate genetic traits are excelling at sports and excelling at drinking and fighting. I can see absolutely no problems arising from that combination.
Real life comparison:
The freaky leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies – but taller and with a 4.41 40-yard dash.
Comments
7 Responses to “One of These Is Not Like the Other…”
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Great Article. I agree. Darius Miles only fits in the movie Perfect Score. Oscar nods
That’s some funny shit.
That Leprechaun scares the hell out of me though…
George Parros actually has a degree from an Ivy league school - weird. Ray Emery sucks - that’s why he doesn’t play. I thought Carson was god boy, not a date-rapist. Watch the libel!
Good article.
Carson actually date raped DamonD from this site.
He said he was “forceful, but smelled nice”
If by “raped” you mean “cooked me a fine roast duck and sealed the ceramic tile in my foyer” then yes, it was a date.
If by “raped” you mean….then yes it was a “date”. So what’s in question whether it was rape, or whether it was a date? Both being of the utmost importance.
Also, Optimus Prime was the shit. So too was his supporting cast.
Jazz - In robot mode, Jazz can use his solar-powered photon rifle with deadly accuracy up to a distance of .9 miles from target, and he can shoot it from virtually any physical position he may be in with equal effectiveness. —AWESOME—
Swoop - Making a spectacular descent from the sky, Swoop watches with unhidden glee as his enemies scatter in terror before his looming presence. And that’s just the way he likes it because he knows fear is a more effective weapon than any equipment he carries. —AMAZING—-
…….
Upon further review, you might be right.
love, if we’re talking about the movie that came out last summer I take it all back. THAT was an abortion.