With Tony Dungy gracing the cover of EA Sports’ NFL Head Coach 09 we are left with a few thoughts:

A. Seriously, how awesome is coach Dungy?

B. Are there any other coaches that could’ve worked?

So without further ado, let’s take a look at what features the game would’ve had if they had chosen someone else besides the marvelous Man-God Tony Dungy.

AFC EAST

1. NFL Bellicheck 09

Similar to Head Coach 09, but success doesn’t make you happy. For each 10 game streak you put together, something bad happens: wife leaves you, have an affair with a married woman, league dislikes you, etc.
Comes with a free webcam though!

2. NFL Dick Jauron 09

Only added feature is the ability to reduce character’s cheekbones to Skeletor level.
No matter how successful, you are still reminded each 5 minutes that you live in Buffalo.

3. NFL Mangini 09

Added bonus game of dodging projectiles from Jets fans.
After 3 wins, you get a bonus Sopranos episode, however this is counter-balanced by the fact that all QBs have a rating of “terrible” or “decrepit”

4. NFL Parcells 09

Game comes with a hot dog and a bra

AFC NORTH

5. NFL Tomlin 09

You totally expect an Omar Epps joke here don’t you?

6. NFL Crennel 09

Team has added bonus of good scouting, however this is offset by the need to “waddle” the controller back and forth in order to move character (can lead to Sea Sickness on the Wii)

7. NFL Marvin Lewis 09

Unlike in other EA platforms, when a player collapses with an injury, they aren’t really injured, it will simply say something along the lines of: “ODELL THURMAN – DUI – OUT 4-6 GAMES”
When Chris Henry is on field government regulations make the game PG-18

8. NFL Baltimore Ravens 09

Defense +200%
Offense -95%
Under-performing will get you a contract extension
Frustratingly though, a glitch in the system doesn’t let you change your QB until the last game of the year.

AFC SOUTH

9 . NFL Head Coach 09 (Tony Dungy)

I love this man in a totally manly, non-gay way. Ok, slightly gay.

10. NFL Del Rio 09

Unable to scout WRs
Defensive scouting receives a %20 bonus
Character customizatioin includes over 20 varieties of black leather jackets
When you get over excited and try to do too much (such as chest bumping a player – L1+R1), said player will say “Uh…calm down there coach”

11. NFL Fisher 09

Team loses 1 random player each year to stupidity
Team gains +20% in special teams
Character customization includes 5 mullet styles ranging from the “70’s hockey player” to the “Skeeter”

12. NFL Kubiak 09

Draft Ability +10%
Success -10%
Must have at least 1 semi-retired RB on roster
AFC WEST

13. NFL Turner 09

Character facial customization – carries PG-13 / not recommended for children
Offense +20%
Team Chemistry -30%
Level of Douchebaggery +50%
Bonus Game: When yanked, Phillip Rivers will start yelling at you, covering the screen with spittle. Press X button rapidly to wipe away spittle. If you completely clear the screen of spittle you unlock a hidden QB with a rating between 55-65

14. NFL Shanahan 09

Running game +20%
Cheating karma -25%
After you have completed game, screen says “Congrats! You’re still a fucking douchebag, but congrats you cheating son of a bitch!”

15. NFL Herm Edwards 09

Game has yet to be released due to technical glitches:

Game clock runs fives times as fast as normal
Unable to change offensive plays
Unable to stop anyone on defense
Can only run between tackles
EA hope to have this fixed before season kick off.

16. NFL Lane Kiffin 09

Difficulty level is always on EXTREMELY DIFFICULT even for beginners
Game features “death drain” bar on the side of screen. When bar is completely drained, you are fired. Bar drains for absolutely no reason at all, at completely random intervals.
Talent -25%
Scouting -20%
BONUS: Get 2 wins in a row and unlock JaMarcus’s techni-color hoodie “Bama boy” chain
NFC

NFC EAST

17. NFL Phillips 09

Regular season game setting is always on REALLY, REALLY EASY setting and basically makes it near impossible to screw up.
Playoff game setting is always on EXTREMELY DIFFICULT – with the play selection screen whizzing by at breakneck speeds.
Coaching ability -70%
Bonus Game: Shooting Mexicans with Jerry Jones – based upon the popular game “Jerry Jones Wetback Hunt”
Game sountrack features nothing but Jessica Simpson and Kelly Rowland
WARNING: Once you buy this game, every single person you know will say “Wow! I LOVE this game! It’s so great!”

18. NFL Coughlin 09

Gripping the controller harder makes the game more difficult
Pass Rush +60%
QB position vacilates bonus levels each game (ex. +20%, -60%, -10%, +70%)

19. NFL Redskins 09

I miss Joe Gibbs, I hope Pete Zorn is equally as redneck and decrepit *sigh*
Roster $$ Allowed +150%
Ability to manage Roster $$ Allowed -150%

20. NFL Reid 09

Overall player conditioning level -20%
Talent level +10%
Play-Calling -20%
BONUS Game: Control Andy Reid’s kid as he does drugs and attempt to drive! If he ends up in rehab you get a roster bonus!
NFC NORTH

21. NFL McCarthy 09

Home field advantage +5%
QB cannot be controlled – will throw wherever he feels like it at any time.
Defense +10%
WR +15%
BONUS: Enter the code FAVRE at the game select screen to have the game soundtrack simply say “Brett Favre” over and over again for the whole course of the game.

22. NFL Childress 09

Once per game you can select “Save me Purple Jesus!” for an instant TD
Defense +35%
Running Game +200%
Wait, how’d these guys not make the playoffs again?

23. NFL Lovie 09

Defense +15%
Devin Hester is literally impossible to tackle – except for the kicker
Quarterback play -95%
Running play -40%

24. NFL Marinelli 09

Once per quarter you can summon God to force a pass completion.
Defense -30%
Running Game -80%
Constant advertisements by Ford (don’t worry you won’t have to like them)

NFC SOUTH

25. NFL Gruden 09

BONUS: Buy now and get Child’s Play 1, 2 and 3 with purchase!
QB play -10%
Defense +30%
Game comes with Cadillac sticker and a Wide Receiver (it’s not like they know how to use them anyways)

26. NFL Fox 09

For the first time ever experience the joys of relying on Jake Delhomme!
Running game -45%
Defense -5%
Coherent Game planning -100%
Pre-Season Hype +75%

27. NFL Payton 09

Game features great soundtrack with Lil Wayne, Juvenile and Master P
Hype +40%
Decision making -60%
Game has been marked down as there is no online support, nor is there any help whatsoever.

28. NFL Falcons 09

Just don’t play. Do yourself a favor. Punch yourself in the balls until you pass out and you’ll get the same thrill as controlling the Falcons.

NFC WEST

29. NFL Holmgren 09

Defense +40%
RB scouting -30%
QB Character customization comes with 10 varieties of “bald”
Enter code RETIRE at start up screen and whenever you screw up a coaching call the soundtrack turns to “I am the Walrus” by the Beatles
Seriously Holmgren, in the even off chance you’re reading this – RETIRE

30. NFL Whisenhunt 09

Choose between a young playboy QB and an old Christian one!
Defensive Interception ability +80%
WR +25%
Game gets old quickly, as no matter what you do you can’t win.

31. NFL Nolan 09

Coach character customization comes with 15 different looks – all handsome.
Game has been discounted as when you enter the red zone on offense the system crashes.
Defense +20%
RB play +15%

32. NFL Linehan 09

Offensive hype +25%
Defense must be lowest in league
RB +20%
Chance of Roster Injury +50%
If on Fantasy League mode – your first two selections must be Bulger and Jackson, whereupon both will get injured in Week 1.