Why don’t Yankees like hockey??

Turn on any Canadian sports network and you’re sure to find a multitude of poorly-dressed Canadian white guys debating this question (especially since the actually kick-ass Heritage Classic) with pinache…well as much pinache as a guy who spends $200 on a suit can pull off.

They banter back and forth wondering “Can Antoine Verloiuseau (yes I made that name up, but you didnt’ know that did you?) make a difference on the Nashville blue line?”, never stopping to realize that their very wondering is causing their downfall. Americans love the glory and glamour of sports, while Canadians care only about the effort. Yanks love the Hollywood aspect of sports – and there ain’t nothing glamourous about Tip Top.

In order to find the fat-pocketed “Fat American” – generally not that hard to find as they can be spotted at the dock waiting with 13 suitcases for a 2 day cruise, or at the bar in local watering hole, or even at the buffet table in Branson, Missouri, shoving down fried shrimp as if they were whales trying to fill their baleen with krill (ok, i haven’t referenced krill and baleen since grade 3 so pardon my spelling). The appealing part of the Fat American..or “American” for the abbreviators out there, is the only thing deeper than their waistbands – their wallets. With widespread American acceptance of any service/good comes more money than you could shake a baby at.

Which raises the question; if Americans will spend thousands of hours and dollars supporting the Singing Bee with Joey Fatone (a disgrace to the Joey name) why can’t they support the greatest game on ice?

Here’s why: HOCKEY LACKS SEX APPEAL

That’s it. That’s the beginning and ending of it. Hockey players are good kids, hard working, smart (enough), almost universally white and middle class.

Oh…and boring as an evening at Grannie’s house without booze.

U.S. Sports Stars fall into one or more of the following categories:

1. Ghetto – guys like Allen Iverson, Ron Artest and Mike Vick who get into bar fights, have crazy posses (posse-s? posse’s? possi?), tons of tats, are comfortable “making it rain”. Basically they never left the ghetto, they now just have money to show they’re an Alpha Dog. Popular with suburban white boys everywhere.

2. Freaks of Nature – T.O., LaDainlianlianlian Tomlinson, Kobe, Shaq – guys who are so superior in abilities it’s like comparing normal prostitutes with one who can do the Jamaica butt-clap while folding laundry, talking on the phone and giving 30 handjobs (or your mom at Spring Break 1981).

3. Mal-contents - a nice way of saying Major Douchebag. These guys put themselves in the headlines just by saying how great they are over and over. (See: TO, Kobe,A-Rod)

4. Honkies – and here I place anyone white – who Americans want their kids to be. So toss in your Peyton Manning’s, your Brett Favre’s, your Tom Brady’s yearning to be free. Basically, when racist dads buy posters for their kid’s wall – it’ll be one of these guys.

Now, of all of these, hockey players only really fit into the last section. I mean most of them are wicked athletes, but they’re universally good guys, come from two parent families and never really got into dog fighting in between billets in rural Saskatchewan. They don’t really fit into the Honkies either though, as U.S. dads dont’ want their kid being a star in hockey – Canadian dads do. Better a honky than a hoser I guess.

Now, there is a growing under-culture in the hockey world – with guys like Ray Emery who are tough as nails, photogenic and exhibit – dare I say – glamour that hockey has previously lacked. This changing of hockey culture is at once both necessary and detrimental.

Me? I like hot shot sports stars. I love seeing players jawing at each other. I love seeing bling under a goalie mask. I like engaging, boasting interviews. Unfortunately, Canadian dads don’t. And if Canadian dad’s don’t dig it, they won’t buy it. They’d rather see a hoser Sutter brother tell another hoser reporter that “There’s a lot of game left…we just have to keep the puck in their zone and take our opportunities…. is really keeping us in this one”.

So basically, hockey is stuck between growing a newer, more savvy fanbase (err…me) at the expense of its traditional base (Albertans who live on farms, wear plaid and say shit like “he’s the kinda guy who’ll punch you in the face and then buy you a beer after”). What’s a league to do?

There is hope however. Sex appeal is starting to seep into hockey bit by bit, kind of like when Lacey Chabert was closing in on 18.
Mike Comrie is dating Hillary Duff (atta boy), Jordin Tootoo dated and then cheated on Kelly Pickler (Really! Blew my mind too – why don’t they cover this ish on TV?) and several months ago a few of the Children of the Corn – the Stahl boys – were arrested for being wasted after a stag party (No! Imagine!). After police kicked them out of the resort they responded by harrassing people on the side of the highway.

Now if we can only get Sidney Crosby caught with two hookers and a kilo of cocaine we’ll be set.

What?

That happened to Ron Francis?

How glamorous is that?