Rating the College Mascots - Part 2
January 27, 2008
The G - O Bracket
1. Knightro (UCF) vs. 16. Gompei (WPI) - Officially the most kick-ass of any college mascot (and no I didn’t go to UCF - what am I retarded?), Knightro waits and waits for Gompei to show, but God has already stricken down the entire Worcester Polytechnic Institute for worshipping a false idol (doesn’t anyone read the Bible anymore? Can we get J.J. Abrams to do a remake?). Then again, God did save WPI students from living in Worcester, so it was kind of a good deal for them.
Winner: Knightro by default
2. Hairy Dawg (Georgia) vs. 15. The Hawk (St. Joseph’s) - So you think you’ve landed a pretty “cool” (for a dork) job as a team mascot. Good for you. As Hairy Dawg, you can run around, nod whenever a good play happens and cheer up all the Georgia peaches. The Hawk goes around St. Joe’s games, but get this, he NEVER STOPS flapping his wings. Never. It’s supposed to be a symbol of…um..something, but doesn’t that just make you tired even thinking about it? Nice runners too loser.
Winner: Hairy Dawg
3. Hey Reb (UNLV - seen here with my stalking victim girlfriend Jenn Sterger [creepy, yet masterbatory worthy photo compilation here]) vs. 14. The Leprechaun (Notre Dame) - Hey look, Notre Dame has a ranking in something! Reb - mustache, old school, harkens back to racist days. Leprechaun - annoying ginger kid in tights. No contest.
More after the jump…
Winner: Hey Reb
4. Joe Vandal (Who da hoe? Idaho) vs. #13 Gunston (George Mason) - Ugh. Another freaking green “thing”. Hey, what shows off our school spirit? I know - a huge green thing! Yay GM! Meanwhile, Joe Vandal manages to do the impossible: make Idaho seem cool.
Winner: Joe Vandal
5. Mike the Tiger (LSU) vs. 12. Oski (Cal) - Oh look, a cute 1950’s style bear! How adorable! What mascot do you have? Oh I dunno, how about a freaking LIVE TIGER. The battle between them would go just like you picture, only it would be funny for about 20 seconds longer than you think it would.
Winner: Mike the Tiger wins one for nature. Suck it imitation bears!
#6 Montezuma the Aztec (SDSU) vs. 11. The Mountaineer (WVU) - Our first real battle of the group. Both are illiterate stereotypes, but while Montezuma re-inforces the notion of the proud, stout warrior, the Mountaineer reinforces the notion of..well, West Virginia - the anal cavity of America.
Winner: Montezuma the Aztec (I’m even forgiving the bike-helmet-gone-wrong look)
7. Mo the Mule (Central Missouri) vs. 8. Handsome Dan (Yale) - When I first read the name “Handsome Dan” I was picturing some douchebag in a lacoste shirt trying to tell me why my tennis serve is all wrong, but it’s a handsome bulldog. Mo the Mule is alright, but can you imagine going to school in Central Missouri? not Ole Miss, not State or anything, but frigging Central Missouri. They don’t even have exams, they just give you a corn on the cob and watch you eat it. If you dont’ have any stuck in your teeth, congrats! you’re a university graduate!
Winner: Handsome Dan of Yale (just like in real life)
9. Herbie Husker (Nebraska) vs. 10. Louie the Laker (Grand Valley State) - While Louie the Laker does look a little too much like Quagmire from Family Guy for my liking, Herbie Husker looks like he’s wearing wranglers, so fuck that guy. Also, hiring Coach Callahan sure was a good idea wasn’t it?
Winner: Louie the Laker
Next up - The Final Opening Round
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Western Kentucky?! Big Red (I think he’s Grimace’s down’s syndrome cousin). Champion.
Jenn Sterger is hot