Rating the Mascots
January 16, 2008
With the news that the Pittsburgh Steelers have chosen their new mascot Steely McBeam (also my porno name – curse you Steelers!!!), the world wonders: “Mike, what’s the best mascot in sports?”
Well world, wonder no more.
After months and months of tiresless research involving me, a BB gun and the frozen foods section at my local supermarket, I present to you the ultimate ranking of the costumed ones.
For QA purposes, the criteria were simple: Either be really, really awesome, or really, really weird. That’s it. I thus eliminated about 300 wolves, huskies, bears, cats and other stuff that would better be suited for EuroDisney. Also instantly eliminated were those weird inflatable mascots – because they’re just budget. Hundreds and hundreds started…only 29 survived.
Who will win the title of Greatest Mascot? Find out below…
The Pro Mascots
29. K.C. Wolf (Kansas City Chiefs) – OK, so let me get this straight, your team name is the CHIEFS and you choose as your mascot…a wolf. I think a crying Dick Vermeil would’ve been a better choice…
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28. Blaze (Portland Trailblazers) – With a team name like the Trailblazers it would’ve been nice to have a real trailblazer like, ya know, Rosa Parks or something. Oh well…
27. Hip-Hop the Rabbit (Philadelphia 76ers) – You can almost picture the 80 year old ad execs saying “You know what kids love? Rabbits! You know what else they love? Hip hop!”
26. Mavs Man (Dallas Mavericks) – What is he, the illegitimate offspring of The Thing and Darkman?
25. Boltman (San Diego Chargers) – Picture that coming into your bedroom as you’re sleeping.
24. and 23. The Chicken (San Diego Padres) and The Gorilla (Phoenix Suns) – I hate it when mascots become “brands”. Watching these two is like watching a Dane Cook movie over..and over..and over – just go away already.
22. Thunderbug (Tampa Bay Lightning) – You paying attention Chargers? Friendly, cute and has absolutely nothing to do with the team or sport – now that’s a mascot!
21. Sabretooth (Buffalo Sabres) – Ok, so let me get this straight. Your team name is the BUFFALO SABRES and your logo is a giant BUFFALO with SABRE SWORDS on the side and you choose as your mascot…an orange sabretooth tiger. Right. God, as if living in Buffalo couldn’t be any worse.
20. The Green Monster (Boston Red Sox) – There seemed to be a common theme of “what the fack is that thing?” mascots: The White Sox, Cleveland Indians and Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Do MLB teams get a discount at FabricTown or am I missing something?
19. Freddie Falcon (Atlanta Falcons) – Here’s the teams logo. Here’s the mascot. Again, the logo. Now the mascot. Couldn’t have gone with a mascot that looks, I dunno, one quarter as cool as the logo? Really strikes fear into the hearts of opponents dun it?
18. Roary (Detroit Lions) – Pudemup..pudemup! So cowardly looking its almost as if he actually watches the team play.
17. Homer the Brave (Atlanta Braves) – Alright, it’s a humanized baseball, but sometimes I wish for the times before political correctness, when blatant racism was welcomed and mascots looked like this. *sigh*
16. The NJ Devil (New Jersey Devils) – All Puddy/Seinfeld jokes aside, can you imagine this mascot holding your kid? Sweet Jesus Monkeyballs. That’s an image that would be burned into the little tykes brain forever. He’ll be 45, addicted to crack and sleeping in the fetal position while rocking back and forth mumbling to himself “The devil is my friend, the devil is my friend.”
15. Mr. Met (New York Mets) – I know, I know, another freaking lively baseball. but doesn’t he look like such a nice guy? Picture him next to you on your couch when you’re high as a kite and playing Madden against some buddies. All would be right with the world.
14. Gnash (Nashville Predators) – Stupid name yes, but I DARE you to take one look at that picture and not think of at least one joke that your mother wouldn’t approve of.
13. Hugo the Hornet (New Orleans Hornets) – Completely relevant to the team, and also has a first name of a celebrated French author. For some reason I picture him talking like Dr. Teeth. I think I need to lay off the 8-balls…
12. Billy the Buffalo (Buffalo Bills) – Hey Sabres? Take a note from your NFL counterparts. This buffalo looks kick ass. I bet he gets all the hairy yak ass he wants. Hot, hot yak ass.
11. Al Octopus (Detroit Red Wings) – One of sport’s greatest traditions, Detroit fans throw octopi onto the ice whenever the team scores. I’ve never been to a Detroit game, but I like to keep an octopus in my pants at all times, just so I can have my own little secret.
10. Swoop (Philadelphia Eagles) – Well known for riding around on an ATV with an American flag, Swoop goes to lots of area parties and does bits with the cheerleaders. Wait a second…ATVs, partying, womanizing…it’s everything Brittney Spears looks for in a man!
9. Howler the Yeti – Warning: If you ever encounter a yeti in the wild, do not approach. Stay far away. Unless it’s this guy. He’s good people.
8. Phillie Phanatic (Philadelphia Phillies) – The gold standard of goofy mascots. Buy any baseball bloopers tape from the 1980s and there’s at least ten clips with the Phanatic. I know..because I have every blooper VHS ever made (except Dorf on golf simply because of my illogical hatred of all things Tim Conway)
7. Sourdough Sam (San Francisco 49ers) – Personally I think the world needs more prospectors and prospecting references. Welll TARRRRnations!
6. Thunder (Golden State Warriors) – A jacked blue warrior like dude with lightning bolts coming out of his face = radical. I personally would’ve prefered a mock rabid Steven Jackson complete with handcuffs and drool coming out of his mouth, but Thunder works too.
5. Rally Monkey (Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Angels of LA) – Love the idea. Would be number 1 except that it’s all fun and games until the monkey starts flinging around feces. it’s going to happen…just you wait…
4. Wildwing (Anaheim Ducks) – Wow. Back to back Anaheim love – good for you LA’s bitch! It’s not easy to make a duck look tough, but shit. I mean if I was walking home at night and rounded a corner and saw Wildwing there standing looking at me I’m pretty sure I’d piss myself. I think a little pee came out just thinking about it.
3. Ragnar (Minnesota Vikings) – Any time a mascot will pump up a crowd and then ask me for spare change I’m 100% for it.
2. Rowdy (Dallas Cowboys) – Plays into everyone’s pre-conceived notions of Texas – friendly, over the top and with hats the size of Humvees…
Your Winner:
1. Youppi! (Montreal Canadians) – Formerly of the Montreal Expos, Youppi! wins hands down. Besides having the funnest name to say thanks to an exclamation mark at the end of his name which forces you to say YOUPPI! (It’s just great saying his name over and over ain’t it?), when you factor in that Youppi! probably talks with a French Canadian accent it just goes from amusement to outright orgasmic. Take a victory lap Youppi! – you’re the anti Steely McBeam!
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Is Ragnar a mascot or a guy who just sleeps there?