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Rating the College Mascots - Part 1

January 13, 2008

Continuing upon our award winning countdown of the sports world’s weirdest, whackiest (and wheatiest) mascots, the House of Smack presents the January Jamboree NCAA Mascot Playoff Bracket - 64 entered, only 1 was left (along with lots of fur and a tangible amount of pep).

The B - F Bracket


1. Bill the Goat (Navy) v. 16. Big/Baby Jay (Kansas) - Bill the Goat unleashes his cadre of Navy followers (seriously look at that picture and try not to wet yourself Iraqis. That’s the Navy’s freaking MASCOT), while Baby Jay costs Big Jay the match (and apparently KU 13$ in materials).
Winner: Bill the Goat

2. Demon Deacon (Wake Forest) v. 15. Boilermaker (Purdue) - While the Deacon preaches about abstinence and impure thoughts the Boilermaker is a freaking train. Nothing brings the crowd to a frenzy like a locomotive golly gee. What is this the 1800s?
Winner: Demon Deacon

3. Donald Duck (Oregon) v. 14. Explorer (LaSalle) - The Explorer starts off the match by talking some smack about ducks liking water more than land before Donald bitch slaps him and says “Do you realize who the fuck I am? I’m fucking Donald Duck! Do you realize how fucking rich I am? I can buy and sell your cotton-blend ass bitch!”
Winner: DD

4. Bevo (Texas) v. 13. Captain Chris (Christopher Newport U.) - That’s gotta suck. You spend your entire life/fortune creating a university bearing your name and then some dickhead completely undoes it all by making the mascot look like Dave Navarro in a Disney movie. Winner: Bevo by default

5. Benny Beaver (Oregon State U) v. 12. Chief Osceola (Florida State) - The racist chief eats beaver (ha ha ha…he said “eats beaver”) when fans unexpectedly turn their backs on him to make way for the REAL Florida State mascot. Once again for no good reason. Hot damn. Winner: Benny Beaver (and my pants)

6. Colonel Reb (Ole Miss) v. 11. Cam the Ram (Colorado State) - Despite having dreamy biceps, Cam the Ram shows his mettle by exposing Colonel Reb as actually being based on a black man (no really). You gotta love the South huh? Nowhere else can you take a black man and make it a symbol of white slave owners. God bless you and your stupid stupid traditions. Winner: Cam the Ram (and tolerence! Say no to racism!)

7. Artie the Fighting Artichoke (Scottsdale Community C0llege) v. 10. Ace Purple (Evansville) - Ace screams “Now here see. I won’t lose to no artichoke by jimminys. Bully I say!” before pouring olive oil and sprinkling pepper on Artie and baking him at 350F for 6-8 minutes. Winner: Ace Purple

8. Blue Devil (Duke) v. 9. Cosmo the Cougar(Western Michigan) - Despite being chubby (I hear hell has delicious crepes), the Blue Devil and his minions of annoying, pretentious Duke fans are easily able to dispatch of Cosmo when Coach K latches on to his legs and drags him down (just like the Duke basketball program -oh snap). For some reason every time I hear “cosmo” and “cougar” I think of your mom at a bar. Winner: Blue Devil

Written by MikeD · Filed Under Basketball, Football 

Comments

3 Responses to “Rating the College Mascots - Part 1”

  1. Holly on January 21st, 2008 2:16 pm

    Cosmo the Cougar is from BYU, not Western Michigan! Get your facts straight!

  2. MikeD on January 23rd, 2008 1:27 pm

    You’re right, Western Michigan’s mascot is “Buster the Bronco”

    Wait, let me yell at our fact checking department. Fuck you Mike, you stupid idiot!
    There, better?

  3. Chris on April 3rd, 2008 4:02 am

    Sounds great! Your blog is one of my most favorite now ;). You have hit the nail on the head, just like you always do.

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