Giving Some Love to the Women of the LPGA (Even if they dont’ want it)
January 11, 2008
Sometimes us guys can be a little shallow and a little exclusionary in talking about which chick is hot, which one is only good when you’re drunk, etc. etc.
We talk about the Kornikovas and Danicas, but leave out other women. Well, kind of like when a movie star talks about how “teachers and firemen and police are the REAL heroes”, I’m going to do the same, but we’re talking about pants heroes. Heroes in my pants.
Today, we salute the women of the LPGA.
Your Contestants for Miss LPGA:
Laurena Ochoa - The best player out there apparently (I don’t watch LPGA, who does?). Mexican yet rich.
Rate: 4 lesbian hairdos out of 10
Annika Sorenstam - The Roger Federer of women’s golf. Wins often. Not attractive, but attractive-ish.
Rate: 6 LPGA Championships out of 10
Paula Creamer - 5′9″. 21 years old. 3rd in the LPGA power rankings. Has the nickname The Pink Panther. Name easy allows for the phrase “I’d cream’er” to be issued. Would be a 10 but she’s seriously got some man-brows going on there.
Rate: 9 pink panther/vagina references out of 10
WAY more after the jump…
Morgan Pressel - Youngest woman to wina major (isn’t that cute? They call their get togethers “majors” awwwww) at the age of 19. Kind of has a “girl next door” thing going on, but I like my girls a little bigger so she gets a solid 8 from me (read into that how you will…)
Rate: 8 “I’ve totally made out with her when I was drunk sometime”’s out of 10
Cristie Kerr - Not bad. Kind of meh-ish. Like my uncle always says “beats the hell out of fucking a bucket.” Considering I asked him waht time it was, I’d say it fits better context-wise in regards to Kerr.
Rate: 7 “Why nots?” out of 10
Jee Young Lee - Ok. That’s more like it. You know when you’re at a bar and wearing a t-shirt that makes you look jacked but you can only do it by sucking in your gut the whole night and then getting to the bar and realizing it’s dead and there are no hot chicks in there so you can fully relax the belly? I’ve got that feeling now after looking at her picture.
Rate: 1 “Sweet Jesus” out of 10
Karrie Webb - After a few fine looking ladies I was starting to doubt the whole “LPGA players are all lesbos” angle. No more. Didn’t Andre Agassi have that hairdo?
Rate: 2 short blode dye jobs out of 10
Mi-Hyun Kim - Seriously Korea. Have you ever done anything worthwhile? You can take your crappy cars, crappy dictators and second-rate Chun-Li lookalike female golfers and just go away.
Rate: 5 Chun-Li’s out of 10
Ai Miyazato - It’s strange that with a name like Ai all i can think is “nay”.
Rate: 4 yam tempura rolls out of 10
Jeong Jang - Oh boy, we’ve hit a rough patch here in the middle of the ranks. Terrible fashion-sense. She’s lucky her name is fun to say or she’d be a solid 0.
Rate: 1 Chinese refugee-loaded freighter out of 10
I’m skipping ahead several Asians and will therefore combine their last names:
ShiHyunAhnSeRiPakHeeWonHanSeonHwaLee - say it aloud and I think you’ve just told someone from the Phillipines to go “eat a flying rocket transport guidance system”
Nicole Castrale - Not so bad. Pretty sure every guy has dated a girl who looks like her and I bet none of them have ever had career earnings of over a million dollars while working at Starbucks.
Rate: 7 mocha lattes out of 10
Stacy Prammanasudh - Looks like she has a moustache. Could use a few more letters in her last name.
Rate: 5 prammanasudhs out of 10
Juli Inkster - The gold standard of golfing lesbians. Inkster is actually just a nickname given to her by the girls on tour because if she nears a man she squirts ink out of her snizz like a squid as a defense mechanism.
Rate: 2 ink stained khaki shorts out of 10
Sherri Steinhauer - before looking at her picture I though “Wow, with a name like that she’s gotta be butch”. Bingo. Mike 1, frequent drug use 0.
Rate: 2 bench presses out of 10
Laura Davies - Ya know at some point lesbians go so far away from the hot category that they just end up being really really great drinking buddies who tell great stories and give great advice. I love women like that.
Rate: 10 “Oh God No”’s out of 10
Angela Park/ Young Kim - Again with the Korea. Ugh. Nice names losers.
Rate: 5 unspectaculars out of 10
Brittany Lincicome - Name comes too close to lice-comb for my liking. Not my cup of tea, but if I was drunk?
6 CMON’s out of 10
Suzann Pettersen - no love for someone who spells their name “Suzann”
Rate: 3 missing vowels out of 10
Angela Stanford - Could easily be “Sue from Accounting” and you wouldn’t know the difference.
Rate: 4 TPS reports out of 10
Sophie Gustafson - Sometimes you can be so wrong on the lesbianometer that a woman like Sophie can go on and marry this spazz and leave you wondering where you screwed up.
Rate: 3 shudders out of 10
Yuri Fudoh - From japan and looks like a character from Wii Golf.
Rate: 1 frustrating controller out of 10
Ok, I’ll save you the bother of looking up these women. Talented they may be they’re out of the running:
Laura Diaz
Shiho Oyama
Christina Kim
Momoko Ueda (too bad too, it’s fun to say Momoko)
Sarah Lee (also too bad, she sounds like a delicious fluffy cake)
Pat Hurst (sounds like a Nascar Event doesn’t it? The Pat Hurst 400)
Natalie Gulbis - After hours and hours of walking through a sex-less desert we get to this fine drink of water. Fine as hell. Take look here. And here. One more before we go. Ok, ok we really have to go. One more.
Rate: 10 thirst quenchings out of 10
Charlotte Mayorkas - People who say make-up does nothing for a girl check camera 1. Now camera 2. I rest my case your honor.
Rate: 6 whhaaa happened’s out of 10
Meena Lee / Candie Kung - Both have that English as a Second Language student look to them. Appealing to a certain demographic of guys (ones who can’t get normal girls).
Rate: 6 haros out of 10
Michelle Wie - Not really sure if she’s 18 yet, but I like how she has female balls for going against the men in comeptition. She’s a media darling and has *cough* grown into quite a young lady. Only good thing to come out of Korea. Ever.
Rate: (if over 18) 8 tall Koreans out of 10, (if under 18) 8.5 statutories out of 10
Now..without further Freddy Adu…
Ladies and Gentlemen…your WINNER: Erica Blasberg!!!
Erica Blasberg - Sponsored by Puma and only 23 years old, Erica may not yet be on the top 50 money list, but she’s number 1 in our hearts and groins. Just check her out here. When I look at that picture I feel like the wolf licking his lips at the sight of Little Red Riding Hood and I’m 100% OK with that.
Take a victory lap darlin’. You hot piece of ball striking ass you.
Next up: The WNBA!!
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