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Hitler Loves the Cowboys

Rating the College Mascots - Part 2

The G - O Bracket

1. Knightro (UCF) vs. 16. Gompei (WPI) - Officially the most kick-ass of any college mascot (and no I didn’t go to UCF - what am I retarded?), Knightro waits and waits for Gompei to show, but God has already stricken down the entire Worcester Polytechnic Institute for worshipping a false idol (doesn’t anyone read the Bible anymore? Can we get J.J. Abrams to do a remake?). Then again, God did save WPI students from living in Worcester, so it was kind of a good deal for them.

Winner: Knightro by default

2. Hairy Dawg (Georgia) vs. 15. The Hawk (St. Joseph’s) - So you think you’ve landed a pretty “cool” (for a dork) job as a team mascot. Good for you. As Hairy Dawg, you can run around, nod whenever a good play happens and cheer up all the Georgia peaches. The Hawk goes around St. Joe’s games, but get this, he NEVER STOPS flapping his wings. Never. It’s supposed to be a symbol of…um..something, but doesn’t that just make you tired even thinking about it? Nice runners too loser.

Winner: Hairy Dawg

3. Hey Reb (UNLV - seen here with my stalking victim girlfriend Jenn Sterger [creepy, yet masterbatory worthy photo compilation here]) vs. 14. The Leprechaun (Notre Dame) - Hey look, Notre Dame has a ranking in something! Reb - mustache, old school, harkens back to racist days. Leprechaun - annoying ginger kid in tights. No contest.

 More after the jump… Read more

Hong Man Choi - WTF?

Apart from looking like a troglodyte Muppet, Korean MMA Fighter and overactive pituitary gland poster-child Hong Man Choi is also a pretty famous pop singer in his homeland of Korea.

He’s had a couple of fights, and most of us in North America will never hear about him ever again, but I believe this illustrates how Asian people go nuts for weird ass music and people.

Other than that, it’s kind of lame.

Whacked out Pats fans

With this new video and that autistically whacked-out asian chick, to say I’m proud to be a Pats fan right now might cause me to get a migrane, have my nose start bleeding and sneeze so hard that I shit my pants, puke and pass out all at the same time.

These are both courtesy of the watchful eye of withleather.com…so…thanks…?

Rating the Mascots

With the news that the Pittsburgh Steelers have chosen their new mascot Steely McBeam (also my porno name - curse you Steelers!!!), the world wonders: “Mike, what’s the best mascot in sports?”

Well world, wonder no more.

After months and months of tiresless research involving me, a BB gun and the frozen foods section at my local supermarket, I present to you the ultimate ranking of the costumed ones.

For QA purposes, the criteria were simple: Either be really, really awesome, or really, really weird. That’s it. I thus eliminated about 300 wolves, huskies, bears, cats and other stuff that would better be suited for EuroDisney. Also instantly eliminated were those weird inflatable mascots - because they’re just budget. Hundreds and hundreds started…only 29 survived.

Who will win the title of Greatest Mascot? Find out below… Read more

Colts Fans Love Teaching Values

I mean its the Colts right? Along with their fans they have blazed a path to enlightenment through the tarnished, HGH and law suit clad back alley that has become football players and fandom.

Tony Dungy is a great god-fearing man and teaches that faith, humility and not being gay are the cornerstones to a proper way of life.

Peyton shows us that losing that big game can not only become your legacy, but that you can be adored regardless of what the numbers say, even for masking your blatant repressed feelings of overbearing famous-father inadequacy issues by pimping yourself out for commercial success like you were Richard Simmons at a Turkish prison.

Colts fans - That unadulterated obedience, whether it be whilst thine team is on offence (shhhhhh, even you at home…shhhhhhhhh) or that skin pigmantation should be ignored…oh wait…yes we know your coach is black-ish…ya…no…you said that already… …yes but thats not a free pass…there are lots of black coa…whatever…

But alas, the great mid west wasteland has brought forth the seedy underbelly of the state of Indiana football fans:

Well, chalk up another teenage pregnancy high school drop out meth addict, but look at it the Indianapolis Colts way…in 5 years at least they all got someone else to save…

Reggie Nelson is a Retard

First off you’re asking yourself, who the shit is Reggie Nelson?

He’s a ROOKIE Safety for the Jaguars.

Allright, granted I’m a Patriots fan, And saying stuff about my team will piss me off, sure. But being a complete and utter shitstain:

“He ain’t all that … He’s all right,” Nelson said.

“It was a check down game,” Nelson said, suggesting that most of Brady’s completions were short and underneath the pass coverage. “Anybody can go 26-of-28 in a dump-down game.”

Read the full article HERE

BTW, he said that about the same Tom Brady that just torched Nelson’s Jags with an all time completion percentage record of 92%.

Rating the College Mascots - Part 1

Continuing upon our award winning countdown of the sports world’s weirdest, whackiest (and wheatiest) mascots, the House of Smack presents the January Jamboree NCAA Mascot Playoff Bracket - 64 entered, only 1 was left (along with lots of fur and a tangible amount of pep).

The B - F Bracket

1. Bill the Goat (Navy) v. 16. Big/Baby Jay (Kansas) - Bill the Goat unleashes his cadre of Navy followers (seriously look at that picture and try not to wet yourself Iraqis. That’s the Navy’s freaking MASCOT), while Baby Jay costs Big Jay the match (and apparently KU 13$ in materials).
Winner: Bill the Goat

2. Demon Deacon (Wake Forest) v. 15. Boilermaker (Purdue) - While the Deacon preaches about abstinence and impure thoughts the Boilermaker is a freaking train. Nothing brings the crowd to a frenzy like a locomotive golly gee. What is this the 1800s?
Winner: Demon Deacon

3. Donald Duck (Oregon) v. 14. Explorer (LaSalle) - The Explorer starts off the match by talking some smack about ducks liking water more than land before Donald bitch slaps him and says “Do you realize who the fuck I am? I’m fucking Donald Duck! Do you realize how fucking rich I am? I can buy and sell your cotton-blend ass bitch!”
Winner: DD

4. Bevo (Texas) v. 13. Captain Chris (Christopher Newport U.) - That’s gotta suck. You spend your entire life/fortune creating a university bearing your name and then some dickhead completely undoes it all by making the mascot look like Dave Navarro in a Disney movie. Winner: Bevo by default

5. Benny Beaver (Oregon State U) v. 12. Chief Osceola (Florida State) - The racist chief eats beaver (ha ha ha…he said “eats beaver”) when fans unexpectedly turn their backs on him to make way for the REAL Florida State mascot. Once again for no good reason. Hot damn. Winner: Benny Beaver (and my pants)

6. Colonel Reb (Ole Miss) v. 11. Cam the Ram (Colorado State) - Despite having dreamy biceps, Cam the Ram shows his mettle by exposing Colonel Reb as actually being based on a black man (no really). You gotta love the South huh? Nowhere else can you take a black man and make it a symbol of white slave owners. God bless you and your stupid stupid traditions. Winner: Cam the Ram (and tolerence! Say no to racism!)

7. Artie the Fighting Artichoke (Scottsdale Community C0llege) v. 10. Ace Purple (Evansville) - Ace screams “Now here see. I won’t lose to no artichoke by jimminys. Bully I say!” before pouring olive oil and sprinkling pepper on Artie and baking him at 350F for 6-8 minutes. Winner: Ace Purple

8. Blue Devil (Duke) v. 9. Cosmo the Cougar(Western Michigan) - Despite being chubby (I hear hell has delicious crepes), the Blue Devil and his minions of annoying, pretentious Duke fans are easily able to dispatch of Cosmo when Coach K latches on to his legs and drags him down (just like the Duke basketball program -oh snap). For some reason every time I hear “cosmo” and “cougar” I think of your mom at a bar. Winner: Blue Devil

Giving Some Love to the Women of the LPGA (Even if they dont’ want it)

Sometimes us guys can be a little shallow and a little exclusionary in talking about which chick is hot, which one is only good when you’re drunk, etc. etc.

We talk about the Kornikovas and Danicas, but leave out other women. Well, kind of like when a movie star talks about how “teachers and firemen and police are the REAL heroes”, I’m going to do the same, but we’re talking about pants heroes. Heroes in my pants.

Today, we salute the women of the LPGA.

Your Contestants for Miss LPGA:

Laurena Ochoa - The best player out there apparently (I don’t watch LPGA, who does?). Mexican yet rich.

Rate: 4 lesbian hairdos out of 10

Annika Sorenstam - The Roger Federer of women’s golf. Wins often. Not attractive, but attractive-ish.

Rate: 6 LPGA Championships out of 10

Paula Creamer - 5′9″. 21 years old. 3rd in the LPGA power rankings. Has the nickname The Pink Panther. Name easy allows for the phrase “I’d cream’er” to be issued. Would be a 10 but she’s seriously got some man-brows going on there.

Rate: 9 pink panther/vagina references out of 10

WAY more after the jump… Read more

Hot Pants Anyone?

Seattle Seahawks kicker Josh Brown stated yesterday that he’s going to don a pair of battery powered self heating pants to keep himself warm during the game against the Packers on Sunday.

He said that kickers don’t have as much of an opportunity to stay warmed up and loose on the sidelines, further contributing to the notion that kickers aren’t actually athletes, and have more in common with soccer players and Daisy Duke than real football players.

In other news, running back Shaun Alexander will be wearing his standard a goose down jock strap, and coach Mike Holmgren will continue his battle tested method of staying warm on the sidelines by keeping his head inside of his ass.

Brett Favre on the other hand will be wearing no additional clothing, and continue his standard game week routine of ice fishing with his bare hands, wearing lots of denim and maybe even staring down a queer or two.

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