Big ups today to the blog “The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes” for this idea. Check it out.

Hockey

Alexander Ovechkin – because clubbing with this guy would make me look so pretty I’d feel like the belle of the ball. He’s rich and talented yes, but ugly as a bag full of donkey shit spread over a highway.

The Stahl boys – As reported earlier by yours truly in the award winning “Open Mike D News Information Service” (that’s trademarked mofos), the Jordin and Eric were arrested by the popo after getting kicked out of a resort and then, along with 12 other people, deciding to go to the highway to harass people. Spectacular and 100% understandable.

Baseball

Take your pick. There’s no doubt that if I were hanging with any Major Leaguers I could pretend to be one myself and clean up on groupies. Not A-Rod though…he’s a douche.

Football

Reggie Bush – He’s such an “it” guy that he has deals with practically every company (freebies! All the Diet Pepsi you can drink!!). And you know the girls would love him, so I’d be only three double vodka sodas from being a suitable replacement. Bickity bam I’m in!

Pac-Man Jones – I too have poor judgement. I too like to “Make It Rain”. Plus, the ability to make the sound when Pacman dies in the game whenever Jones screws up is too much for me to take.

Takeo Spikes – You think anyone’s gonna mess with me if I’m with ole no-neck? I would basically be like that small dog on Looney Tunes jumping around and saying “hey boss! Ya wanna go there boss!?!”. I’d be picking fights with marines, putting my finger down girls’ cleavage. It’d be epic.

Mike Vick – because I’ve got an inside line on Maniac versus RhottKiller.

Clinton Portis – (click for Vid) -Dude is straight up strange with several personalities (that’s a different article), but when he rolls to a club, can you imagine? For those of you who have seen his house on cribs, you’ll back me up on this one.

Basketball

Shaq – Is there any doubt? Can you imagine being drunk on a couch with Shaq just picking on you to all your buddies? Hell, you could even be halfway into a coma witha knife lodged in your skull, but if you saw The Diesel just sitting there eating a bag of kettle chips all would seem right with the world.

Kobe – While everyone’s scared of getting Kobe to talk, I’d just keep egging him on “yeah FUCK Bynum!” and then turn on my cell phone camera and rake in the dough.

Kevin Garnett – Because a 6′10″ black as night guy and a 5′10″ white Newfie are a match made in sitcom heaven I tell you.

The Mike D Hall of Fame

Charles Oakley – He’s like your dad’s tough friend who served in the Marines for 30 years, except that he’s huge, black and rich. Instant street cred.

Michael Irvin – Instant party. He was arrested with hookers and tons of blow and somehow because he wore a fur suit it was no big deal. Meanwhile, Tank Johnson gets pulled over not even drunk and the team cuts him loose.

Bill Walton – Always over-exagerates every play. I can overlook the Grateful Dead obsession as long as he doesn’t bogart the doobage.

Charles Barkley – Hall of Fame Power Forward. Commentator on my favorite sports broadcast. Like me, a terrible, terrible golfer. Apparently the guy likes to gamble or something too…