Beckham Invades U.S. Kills all minorities.
July 24, 2007
Ok, the title was a little pre-mature, but still, if David Beckham came out with a “all East Indians are dirty, I wish they’d leave” in a press conference, you know it would only be a few days before the first Bombay Express was headed back to India. Not sayin. Just sayin.
So the glamourous Bekhams have finally arrived on this side of the pond and my God, its’ about time. It’s been a tough life so far, sans Becks. Our celebrity quotient has been filled by the likes of J-Lo and Mark Anthony. People actually follow Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. Ben Freaking Affleck!! The greatest actor of our generation in complete opposite world, Affleck’s every action is fodder for the pizza-razi (just sounds tastier) whether that be being a douchebag in a supermarket or a douchebag in an Old Navy store looking for tighty whities. At least the Beckhams actually do stuff and are famous in Great Britain, where things have a natural gravitas just because their accents are awesome.
Rarely has a couple been so heralded purely because they’re beautiful. They’re basically Brad and Angelina but without the annoying “we’re saving the world, you’re not, and you’re not even good looking so why are we acknowedging your existence”. The Beckhams relish in glory and adoration partly because of this beauty and partly because of the whole British thing, as most Americans think rich Britons must be related to the Queen somehow.
Victoria is seriously smokin’. She’s dumb as Paris Hilton, but has actually done something and maybe because she’s older and doesn’t show her well-used cooter like P-Hil, or Phil as I like to call her, she is likeable.
I mean check her out.
Bang. in.
She could lose a few pounds though (seriously, have you ever seen a fatter piece of shit in your life?)
David Beckham is in the twilight of his soccer career (that means he sucks. Kind of like saying that Nick Cage is in the “twilight” of making truly over the top, shitty, shitty, turd-forming pieces of complete and utter horrendous turdcakes). He was a great player - lead the English national team, one of the greatest mid-fielders of our day, he could bend it like he does. Now sure he talks like a 7 year old schoolgirl…but I mean…look at him.
No Mike. Must….fight…the handsome! Powerless….against his chiselled….good looks…AAARRRGHHHHH!!!
It seems more than fitting that since they’ve landed in the land of hamburgers and XXXL the Beckhams have been surrounded by other celebrities. First and foremost, the world’s most famous midget and a girl who made out with James Van Der Beek have been the Becks’ best friends. When you’re disgustingly rich and are considered really, really odd - even by American standards, nothing must be a better gift than other disgustingly rich people - especially when they still think you’re “that man from Legend” and “the girl who showed her ta-tas in the Gift” (it’s true….check it out, they’re SPECTACULAR). I find the herding tendencies of celebrities very odd, but not odd enough to actually give a shit. I mean take a look at the pictures above. What on earth could those three couples have to talk about?
I picture it going like this:
Becks (in high squeel) - Well we’re simply delighted to be here at this delightful restaurant, thank you all.
Tom Cruise - See David, that’s because you’re ignorant. You dont’ know the history of restaurants. I do.
*explosion*
Cruise - GO! GO! GO!
Will Smith - WOOOOOoooOOhhOOOOOO! Can y’all belie dat? WoooOOOOhOOOo!
Posh *to the women* - Ladies, you simply must show me where the loo is. That would be MAJOR. (yes I watched that “coming to america” show..shut up! She’s hot!).
Katie Cruise home *whispers* - Please Jesus. Help me. He won’t leave me alone. I’m scared. He has super potent sperm. I’m scared for our civilization. Kill me now.
Jada Smith - I was in the Matrix you know.
Well Mr. Beckham, I hope you enjoy your time over here. Feel free to enjoy our 2-for-1 taco nights, televised police chases, poor Mexicans asking you for money, fat, beer-swilling baseball fans and semi-interested soccer audiences.
Before you go back, make sure you try a Philly cheese steak. It’s MAJOR.
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